pretending to be autistic helps when im really freaking out

im actually autistic, but i grew up with such intense shame and self hatred that i masked 24/7. even completely alone.

so naturally im an absolute and complete fucking mess. im trying to treat myself like an autistic child in an attempt to… idk. love myself and learn who i am without that inner neurotypical voice telling me im a freak.

so one thing i learned is when im freaking out, like really overwhelmed, i pretend im playing the most stereotypical, one-dimensional autistic character on TV. i make weird sounds, flap my arms around, and rock back and forth.

holy shit. those guys are ONTO SOMETHING. i wouldnt necessarily say it makes me feel better, but it like calms me down?? like its soothing. idk how to describe it.

ive always just freaked out until i was too exhausted and empty to keep freaking out. but i feel like i just bypassed it?

yall idk.