He’s so different than everything I read about emotional abuse, maybe it’s all in my head?

It feels like emotional abuse. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I’m constantly anxious. A sinking feeling of dread hits me every time I hear his truck pull in the driveway in the evening. Every single thing I do everyday, I’m thinking about what he will say about it. What he’ll say about what I didn’t do. And I get more anxious because I try to anticipate the things that will upset him and avoid it, but some of it is just so unpredictable, I can’t anticipate it. So even though I try so hard all the time not to upset him, I know it’s going to happen anyway.

He doesn’t yell. He doesn’t name call or insult or curse at me. He doesn’t tell me I’m crazy or threaten me or tell me if I don’t do xyz, he’s going to retaliate in some way.

But he guilts. God, the guilt. Every thing I do is some sort of “proof” that I don’t care about him. If I want to do something that involves my interests, he’s second, and I don’t care. If I sit somewhere other than right next to him every single time, I don’t care. If he’s home, and I do any kind of solo activity like play the piano or write or touch my phone, I don’t care. Every single time I touch my phone, I don’t care. If I don’t get up at 4-5 in the morning to make his breakfast and pack his lunch for work, I don’t care. If I don’t also get up at 4-5 in the morning on the weekends because he likes to get up early, I don’t care and never spend time with him. If I stay up past the time he decides we should go to bed, usually around 7:30-8, I just want to avoid him and I don’t care. If I don’t accept all of his terrible moods as my fault and still want to enthusiastically initiate sex all the time, I don’t care.

He never takes accountability for anything. He’s been stonewalling me for weeks while I try to initiate conversations or sit with him or cuddle, but it’s my fault, because I’m not doing this one thing that he wants me to do, so nothing else counts. It’s all or nothing. If I tell him the way he’s acting is hard on me, every one of his behaviors is directly a reaction to something I’ve done, so it’s actually my fault. I am the problem, he’s just reacting to it. He chooses not to have friends or hobbies or any kind of activities or relationships outside of our home/marriage, so if I want that, I don’t care about him, because everything he does is 100% for me. He does nothing for himself, ever. It’s all for me. To make me happy.

He interrogates me about anything and everything. If I touch my phone, he needs to know what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, who I’m talking to, what are we talking about. If I watch a show, even when he’s not here, he wants to know what it is, why I like it, what’s exciting about it. If I buy something, he needs to know what it is, why I wanted it, why do I like that, why is that something you need. He swears he’s just making conversation, but it’s so judgy. And a lot of the time, it gets brought up later to use against me. I constantly have to defend every thing I do and every thing I like. I mean, who thinks it’s normal conversation to ask someone why they like something, and if they say they just do, you can’t accept it an need a specific explanation of what makes this thing likeable? And if I get frustrated or defensive, I’m in the wrong. He even told me that if I’m getting defensive because he asks questions and I feel like he’s judging or witch hunting, that’s on me, because I’m not giving him a chance. And if I give him the chances and he does the thing I’m afraid of, that’ll be on him. But I have to be open and accepting of the possibility that he may do the thing I’m afraid of, or I’m sabotaging our relationship by trying to protect myself.

I’m constantly wondering when my next lecture will be. Is this seemingly innocuous thing actually going to be used as proof I don’t care? I can’t even try to defend myself against some of these behaviors because then I’m not giving him a chance. He’s always the victim, and I’m the one who never thinks about him, doesn’t care about him, never prioritizes him. Oh and if I don’t enthusiastically want to have sex constantly regardless of how he’s acting, I’m gatekeeping his favorite thing in the world from him and that’s not fair.

But he swears he doesn’t do any of this on purpose. Occasionally he will have a breakthrough, of agreeing, yes this behavior was hurtful, I totally get it now. Two weeks later, he never said that. And this behavior is once again my fault.

I can’t tell if he’s the best liar in the world because he seems so genuine in his beliefs that he is doing everything for me and gets absolutely nothing in return, or if he actually does believe everything he says, or even if I’m the shitty partner I’m made out to be.

I feel abused, I feel controlled, I feel constantly on edge, I feel like I’m crazy, I feel like I can’t do anything right. But none of the things I read match him. He’s not angry. He’s not rude or aggressive. He doesn’t threaten. He just lectures for hours and hours and somehow every single thing boils down to me.