Christmas drinking

Reasons for:

  1. Im alone, might as well

  2. I came to the conclusion that as a human being I am totally ruined without any hope that anything would get better from this point.

  3. I don't have to work the next day

  4. I feel like it

  5. I can't feel any worse (I mean I can but hyperbolically speaking)

  6. The idea of New Year coming soon strengthens my desire to fuck all and then say Ill start again, though nothing really gets reset

Reasons against:

  1. I have some attack of hypochondria lately I constantly think I'm dying for really no good reason so it will really add to it

  2. I'll probably get really depressed

  3. I've been drinking more recently, and I think it's fucking up my skin quality which irritates me. In general I look sick and like shit I don't know what the fuck is happening there.

I symultaneously feel really suicidal and really scared of death, I'd really like to stop thinking about death in general, I can't seem to get past that point.