Suddenly/traumatically lost my soul dog this week & really struggling

I unexpectedly lost my soul dog this past Thursday and it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I adopted Abel from a shelter exactly 9 years ago — the shelter staff was putting this fluffy white puppy with bright blue eyes into his cage at the exact moment I entered the shelter to check out the available dogs — it was kismet. I was 23 years old, had just recently picked up my entire life to move across the country to California and had no idea I was entering the most difficult years of my life. But through it all, I had Abel.

He was a double Merle Australian shepherd so he was totally deaf and had some vision loss but nothing stopped him. He was the most laidback, happiest dog and everyone who met him fell in love with him. He was there for me through a couple of horrible relationships/breakups, my roommate when I got my own studio apartment once I began getting my life together, the catalyst for my second date with my husband (we took him to the dog park so that he could get Abel’s approval). We took him all over California hiking & backpacking & camping. We went on to adopt a cat and 2 more dogs (including a collie with no eyes since I now have a huge love for “differently-abled” animals because of abel)… he happily welcomed them all and basically trained them. I’m also 38 weeks pregnant and he was so good with kids, I couldn’t wait to see him with the baby. We had the most perfect, beautiful little family and it feels like it was all shattered in just a few hours.

We went to sleep Wednesday night with a healthy dog and woke up at 3:30 am to what seemed like Abel having some kind of a nightmare. Eventually we realized it was something more serious and we rushed to an emergency vet. What we thought was maybe a random seizure turned out to be a very large tumor on his heart that had spontaneously started bleeding into his pericardium. Despite the amazing vets efforts to save our boy, Abel passed away in our arms on the floor of the veterinary ICU via humane euthanasia. We arrived just in time to say our goodbyes. The tumor likely grew quickly & never caused him any discomfort until the sudden episode early this morning when it started bleeding. The vet said these are the worst kinds of tumors because they’re basically ticking time bombs and by the time they make you aware of them it’s too late for any interventions.

I can’t stop crying and it feels like I’ll never feel whole again. Everything at home reminds me of him. I love our other pets so much but the bond I had with Abel was so special… I don’t know if I’ll ever have this type of bond with another animal. He was so healthy & still had puppy energy despite being 9 years old. I never ever in a million years would have expected to lose him this way and I’m struggling with so many “coulda woulda shouldas” and regrets because it happened so quickly. I always figured he’d age and we’d get to give him those special last days with hamburgers and beach trips that you see people do. I’m glad he didn’t have to suffer but it’s hard to reconcile the fact that he seemed totally fine when we went to bed and he was gone 12 hours later. Before the vet took him back he was acting so normal as we sat in the car, too. We were worried maybe we overreacted bringing him in. Now I have regrets that I didn’t sit in the backseat and cuddle him while we waited for the vet to take him back but I never expected he wouldn’t be coming home. He was so loved everyday but I keep asking myself could I have loved him more? Shown him more? Pet him more?

I don’t know why I’m posting really … I just want to keep talking about him and need to get these feelings out. I need to hear from other people who have lost special pets in a traumatic way and know that it gets better. We have so many happy memories together but my heart is just so very broken. Thank you for reading this.