I'm committing suicide (my suicide post that I'm posting in a few days)

By the time you read this, I will be dead. I don't think anyone will be surprised that I finally did it. Maybe that's the worst part of it all. I have made people so worried, but they won't have be worried that it will happen- because it with certainty did. I'm tired of being in pain all of the time, and I'm tired of being so lonely. People tell me that I am not alone, but I have been alone for a long time.

I have loved and will miss everyone that I have ever had in my life, but I am not sorry that I did this. I hope you will understand, but no one has really understood me in the first place, so it wouldn't be the first time.

The funniest part of it all- is that I deserve this. I wish things would have ended up differently, but there's got to be a reason why I failed. I'm tired of distracting myself with video games, music, or some other thing. I'm tired of having to talk myself off the edge every time I feel like killing myself. I am a terrible person. Don't feel sad for me, because it's either live a long life of feeling like shit or cutting it short.

My therapist told me that I should be nicer to myself and be curious about life, but I can't do it it anymore. I deserve suicide. My mental health has already caused pain for the ones that left, but mostly for the ones that stayed to see me slowing die. And don't even get me started on all of the hospital bills- and I don't even feel any better.

The fact is I'm sick of watching everyone have fun with their friends, spending weekends having fun, complaining about stupid shit like guys that don't love them or tests being hard. I used to be like that, and the pain of losing it all it too much to bare. I don't want to live a life as the ghost of the person I used to be. I'm terrified of spending my 21st birthday alone. I would rather be dead.

Don't say you didn't see this coming, because if you didn't, then you truly didn't know me at all. Donate my body to science. Peace out.

With love

Edit: It's been a few days since I posted this. I'm thankful for all of the comments and DMs. To give an answer to a few questions, I am in therapy, did reaching out (as I hinted, reaching out made me lose a lot of people and one person told me I was over sharing), and I am on meds. Nothing in life seems worth it or interesting to me. I sometimes feel okay, but it is overweighted by emptiness, loneliness, and depression. Today was my stepdad's birthday, and I didn't want to ruin his birthday with my death, but it has passed. I still think I'm going to do it. I picked the building, and now it's just a waiting game. Or maybe I will buy a gun.

Edit: 2 months have passed. I am doing a lot better. My birthday passed and it was a great amount of fun. I'm not perfectly mentally healthy, but we are starting to want to live again.

Edit: 3 months have passed. I graduated college!! I also started Prozac in addition to my other meds, and that was really helpful. I reconnected with one of my best friends from high school, and it has been really nice to talk to her. I also tried animal crossing, so that's been my hyperfixation. Overall, I am doing a lot better, but there are still some rough spots.

Edit: 4 months have passed. I guess I might do this as kind of a journal. It's been helping me out- coming back to it and reading it. It's crazy because I read what I wrote 4 months ago, and I feel like I don't know that person anymore. I understand who she is and how much pain she was in, but I feel so far removed from that and it's amazing. I don't want this to sound like a success story because I still have really hard days and nobody's success story is going to help. But I digress. I still struggle with self-harm but I don't feel suicidal everyday like I used to. I am really doing well because it's the summer but also I have plans with new friends that I made. We plan on going on a camping trip in a couple of weeks so I'm super excited about that. I was hyperfixated on Animal Crossing for a little bit but I found two horror games that I really really like. I'm applying to jobs. I still haven't found one, but I hope that I'll find one eventually. I also met this guy right after I posted my last update. He is really cool, and he lives far away, but I'm going to meet him at the end of this month. I'm super excited! I don't want to rush into anything though obviously because I still have a long way to go with my health. I have been doing better in therapy and it's been helping me a lot more than it has been in a couple of years. Anyways that's all I have for today.

Edit: 5 months have passed. Hey guys, it is time to give another update. Thank you everyone for the continued kind messages. And for those who commented cruel things, I hope the best fot you as well. I found a good job that I am going to start in a few weeks; I am going to be working with children with special needs. I am nervous, but I am also excited! I never saw myself working with kids, but this is not what I want to do long term. I really want to get my PhD; it is my dream. I lost that dream before all this... I want to make it a reality. I am still struggling with self harm and big emotions, but I am doing good. You know that guy I talked about? Well... he is going to be here today! I am so excited to meet him in person! Welp.. anyways... I hope you guys are doing well... Much love <3