I Dropped the Boat

I read Goggin's first book a year ago. I had just been rejected from all the programs I applied to and was lost. Goggin's helped me start working on myself again. I did what I had to. I busted ass and got a new placement, kept working as much as I had been, and began studying for the MCAT. I carried the boats hard until June. That's when I stopped going 100%. I picked up old habits, and let myself get comfortable. I gave about 70% until I took the MCAT in July, and I did decently. Frankly, not as good as I hoped, but much better than last time. Then, I "awarded" myself a month of time off. Stupid fucking mistake cause it's like I woke up today, 3 months later in a daze. Don't get me wrong, I still did some stuff. I still worked and accepted a better placement. Then I did my applications, but after they were done it's almost like I stopped thinking. But I filled my free time with entertainment, video games, and pussy shit. And did NOTHING to push myself further. I fell into an addiction cycle with video games. God IDK how many hours I must've poured into these stupid fucking games the last 3 months. And for what? I did fuck all in the gym like how I was doing fuck all in my life. I still went to the gym, but I went only 3 times a week and went to just show up. I can't remember the last time I broke a real fucking sweat at the gym. I've shut it all down for 5 hours just trying to think what happened, and I think the fear of failure came back. If I get rejected again from all these schools, I'll be completely fucking lost, and I still have no answer to that. But, instead of hiding from it by distracting, I'm cutting myself off from all the bull shit. I'm gonna simplify all the shit I can and tackle my problems head-on so I can live happily every day. This shit I've been doing daily isn't happiness. It's mediocrity and unfulfillment. And I've been distracting myself from those feelings through video games and entertainment because I was too much of a pussy to face them. I'm picking up the fucking boat again, and I'll be there to whip myself back in shape faster if I drop it again.