All my relationships failed in the first 3 months... until I learned this lesson

For years I couldn’t keep a relationship going for more than a few months. Dating was confusing to me. I got dumped multiple times, even when I thought I was doing all the right things.

Today I’m in the best relationship of my life with a woman who loves me for who I am. Our relationship has only gotten better and stronger over time. We talk about spending the rest of our lives together.

Having a relationship last this long (and more importantly, still be good) is no easy feat. It has taken a lot of personal growth for me to become the man I am today. I had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way, by making mistakes.

I’m going share some of those lessons with you today, so you can start your next relationship strong and set it up for success.

I remember what it was like, feeling confused and not knowing what I was doing wrong. It was really hard. I want to help guys like me overcome these hurdles and become confident at dating.

If you’ve been struggling to make a relationship last more than a few months, this is for you…

My first 3 relationships ended within the first 90 days. The relationship would always start off good, but then quickly go bad. I got dumped over and over again.

Those early relationships were so valuable because every time I got broken up with, I asked her what I did wrong or what I could have done better. I received some really honest, raw answers. Someone once told me, “The truth hurts,” and in those moments it sure did. It hurt to hear why I was being broken up with, but I was also learning some valuable truth.

I took what my ex-girlfriends said seriously and thought about their words late at night when I couldn’t sleep.

“Jealousy is really ugly,” one of them had told me. She was right. That relationship had been ruined by my jealousy. I’d confront her whenever I felt threatened by another guy in her life. She had several male friends and when she told me she was going to have lunch with one of them, I got jealous and asked if something was going on. My jealousy continued to poison our relationship and within a few weeks she broke up with me.

I tried to take at least one valuable lesson away from each one of my failed relationships. Dating and relationships were a giant puzzle to me; I was determined to find all the pieces and figure out how to arrange them. I knew the key to success was to keep trying and learning until I got it right.

After 3 years of short and fast failures, I found myself in my longest relationship ever: 10 months.

Her name was Brianna and our relationship was going great. We liked hanging out together, we liked the same music, our sex was good… everything felt right. Our 1-year anniversary was a couple months away. I had never been in a relationship for so long and was really happy with how things were going.

So I was completely surprised when Brianna texted me and said she needed to “come over and talk.”

That didn’t sound good. I had heard those words before and they always came before something bad, usually a break up.

15 minutes later Brianna was in my living room. We sat down on the sofa and she asked, “Do you remember what you said the other night, when we were having dinner at that restaurant?”

I had no idea what she was talking about.

“You’re going to have to be more specific,” I responded, feeling confused about why she needed to come over so urgently to talk about this.

“I’ll just tell you. Do you remember there was a family a few tables behind us? And they had a baby?”

“Oh yeah, I remember that baby wouldn’t stop crying.”

“Do you remember what you said?”

“Let me think…” (I still didn’t know where this conversation was going)

“Oh yeah,” it came back to me, “I said, ‘That’s why I don’t plan on having kids anytime soon.’”

She raised her eyebrows and half-rolled her eyes.

“Oh shit, are you pregnant?”

“No!” she shouted with exasperation, then covered her face with her hands.

“Well then what’s the problem?”

“Okay, look, I know we haven’t talked about this yet because we’ve only been dating for 10 months, but I want to get married and start a family before I turn 24. And I’m not trying to put any pressure on you, but I just need to know where you think this relationship is going because we’re both about to turn 21 and if we’re just fucking around…” she paused, her voice shaking, “then I need to start looking for something different.”

I was surprised, to say the least. I had no idea that my girlfriend was keeping a schedule for marriage and a baby. Not only was she counting down the days, she was really serious about it.

While she was focused on meeting her deadline for marriage, I was just finally getting the hang of dating. Brianna had a good point: we were about to turn 21, and for me that meant life was still getting started. I didn’t understand why she was rushing to get married and start a family. I liked her a lot, but I wasn’t ready for that type of commitment.

That was my first mutual break up.

For the first time in my life, I was not dumped. We both agreed it was best to end the relationship.

This was significant and I’ll explain why in a second.

You see, my last ex, Michelle, had taught me a very important lesson. She had dumped me after just two months of dating.

When I asked Michelle what I did wrong, she said, “You’re acting like we’re supposed to get married or something… and we’ve only been dating for a couple months. Relax, it’s not that serious.”

It was profound advice. She was right: I had been treating dating like it was the first step towards marriage. With marriage in the back of my mind, I had been looking at our relationship through a lens that framed everything in the context of, “Is this what I want for the rest of my life?”

When Michelle dropped her truth-bomb, I saw how wrong I had been. I took her message to heart and completely changed how I approached relationships. From then on, I would go into relationships without any expectations or agendas.

I decided that going forward, I would let the relationship develop slowly. I wouldn’t try to rush things or try make the relationship more important than it needed to be.

So when my next relationship came along, the one with Brianna, I had no expectations or agenda. I didn’t try to speed things up or make the relationship more important than it was. And as a result, it lasted 10 months and ended mutually. Mutually. I didn’t get dumped.

This was significant: I had reached the next level of dating.

The lesson here is a key for dating success: take the beginning of a relationship slow.

The first 90 days of dating can make or break the relationship in the long run. You’re setting the foundation upon which everything else is built. It can be a shaky foundation or a strong one. This lesson and the following advice will give you the knowledge you need to build a strong foundation for a successful relationship.

I’m going to share 3 rules to set your relationship up for success. These rules embody the lesson I shared today about taking the beginning of a relationship slow. If you apply these rules to your next relationship, you will be surprised at just how good a relationship can be.

If you’ve been struggling to make a relationship last more than a few months, this advice is for you.

Rule #1 – Avoid Relationship Overdose

It’s exciting when you first start talking to a girl.

I can’t blame you for wanting to text her all day, every day. I can’t blame you for wanting to see her every chance you get. I did the exact same thing with every girl I dated when I was younger.

And it always backfired. This is called relationship overdose and just like overdosing on anything else, it’s not good.

Here’s how it happens:

When you first start talking, everything is exciting and amazing. You like her and enjoy spending time with her. So you text her constantly and try to see her often.

But very quickly things begin to unravel. Within a few weeks you have your first fight. If you manage to survive the first fight but don’t slow the relationship down, things will only continue to spiral out of control.

You’ll have another fight, and another. Before long, one of you is going to start wondering if this relationship is even going to work out. And once that thought takes root in somebody’s head, it stays there and doesn’t go away. At that point your relationship is a time bomb waiting to explode.

So what’s a guy to do?

Take it slow, my man. Take it slow.

Taking it slow means being comfortable with the absence of her.

Taking it slow is the opposite of relationship overdose.

You may have heard the expression “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” There’s an important truth to be taken from this expression: when there is an absence between you and a person you like, that absence will reinforce why you like them and build excitement for the next time you see them.

Think about how it feels when you are reunited with a friend or family member you haven’t seen in a while. It’s a great, exciting moment. The amount of time and space [the absence] since you last saw each other has reinforced your bond and made the reunion that much more meaningful.

We can take this principle and apply it to a new relationship.

The key is to find a balance for how much time and space you create. If it’s too much of an absence, she’ll think you’re not interested. If the absence doesn’t happen, you’ll be heading towards relationship overdose.

When you first start dating someone new, seeing her once a week is a good starting point. This creates just enough time and space to build some excitement for the next time you see each other. Having a small absence between when you see each other makes the time you spend together even more meaningful.

When it comes to texting, snapchat, and other forms of messaging, you’ll have to use good judgment.

On one hand; if you’re having a good conversation, there’s no reason to delay responding. If you’re messaging back and forth, having fun and doing a little flirting, keep it going.

On the other hand; you shouldn’t be messaging her all day, every day. You shouldn’t stop whatever you are doing every time your phone vibrates.

You’ll have to find a balance that works for you. Just remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and relationship overdose can lead to failure.

Rule #2 – Have Your Own Life

When you have your own life, your identity is defined by who you are and what is important to you.

It’s important for you to have your own life and for her to have her own life.

Later down the road, and we’re talking much later here, your two lives will merge… but if you’re making the relationship the center of your world from the start, you don’t have a life, all you have is a relationship. And that’s not sustainable.

By definition, a relationship cannot be your life.

When you have your own life, your identity is not defined by your relationship; it is defined by who you are and what is important to you.

Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do for fun? Are you currently working on any projects?

These are the things that make up your life.

When you start a new relationship, don’t put your life on hold. If you need some time to do something, take that time. If you’re working on a project, keep working at it. If you make plans with your friends, follow through with those plans.

As time goes on and the relationship matures, it will become a bigger part of your life. You’ll spend more and more time with each other. Some things that you used to do alone, you’ll start doing together. She’ll meet your family and you’ll meet hers. This is called sharing lives and it happens later in the relationship.

During the first 90 days it’s very important that you maintain your own life. Once you make it past the third month, your relationship will be more mature and you’ll both be ready to share more of your lives with each other.

When you have your own life, your identity is not defined by your relationship; it is defined by who you are and what is important to you.

Rule #3 – Relax And Enjoy The Relationship As It Is

If you’re talking, flirting, or hooking up with a girl, that’s awesome. Relax and have some fun!

There’s a special excitement that comes with a new relationship, try to enjoy every minute of it.

When you’re talking to her or spending time with her, be in the moment. Forget any doubts or fears you have and focus on having a good time with her. Make her smile and make her laugh.

The beginning of a relationship is the most simple, there’s no need to make it complicated.

If you made it this far, there’s clearly something about you that she likes. There’s no reason to be anxious or afraid… she likes you. That’s awesome.

Keep being yourself and doing whatever it is that you’ve been doing. It’s working.

(edit: formatting)