Being ugly is the worst

I feel like my entire life, the desire to be beautiful has followed me everywhere I go. It's suffocating. Growing up I wasn't the pretty girl. I was fat most of my life. So many thoughts I have everyday pertain to how I want to get a better body. I have a pretty face and lost a lot of weight, which helped me, but I still don't feel like enough. I'm built weird, not proportional, and still not the image society deems beautiful.

Even though I've grown more into myself, the thought of me being unattractive and unwanted is rooted so so deeply into me. I can remember feeling negative things about my body from as early as first grade. A mean comment made from another girl at that age I will never forget. My mom tells a story about something I said to her related to body image, I can't even remember saying it. It kills me the way these things are drilled into the minds of young girls. I don't know how to uproot these beliefs, or if it's even possible for me. I wish it was EASY for me to feel beautiful. I wish it felt easy to think someone else could find me genuinely beautiful. Even when people compliment me, it's so hard to believe. I love myself very deeply, no matter how hard it gets, but loving my appearance is something different.

I hate feeling sorry for myself. At the end of the day, being honest with myself I do want to change my body. Ofc not only for appearance, but thats a huge reason. It just sucks that we're made to feel insecure. It sucks that I wasn't taught healthy habits or given help as a child for the obvious health issues I had. I don't want to deny myself experiences or happiness because of the way I look anymore. I deserve so much more than that, we all do.