Is it possible to live in a stable condition without meds?

I've gotten multiple bipolar/manic depression diagnosis throughout the years but everytime I'm on medicine I've felt erratic or a zombie, no in between. The last treatment I did was ketamine infusion therapy as a last resort to how medicine resistant I was. I seriously feel like I've tried every medicine. I believe the ketamine did help a lot but difficult to go again. Its been a year and a half since then, I see no psychiatrist now and take no medicine.

I just self reflect a lot and during episodes I just try to talk myself out of it. Its so weird its like I have a sensible side that sometimes comes out and knows I'm hell irrational and then my depressed I want to end my life side. Sometimes I'll screw up and mildly harm myself and ill have sucidial thoughts where I think its my only way out. But for the past year I haven't tried to kill myself and I don't self harm as much as I did at all actually. I'm months clean.

Anyways point is I have occasional destructive symptoms but I always seem to make it out of an episode one way or another. I'm really scared to see a psychiatrist again, its overwhelming because I see other doctors constantly for separate medical issues. Also, absolutely traumatized from treatment as a child in psychiatric clinics and wards. Nothing good has ever come from medicine that I took for almost 4 years straight.

I need advice from someone who doesn't take medicine and isn't doing it because they are manic, or maybe I just need to suck it up? I'm inquiring so much because during an episode I'm sure you guys can imagine, its intense you become a different person. Its like you're under the influence then you regret so many things you did during that episode. I think I can keep going without medicine but I'm also scared if I can't. Ive been doing good better than I ever have but am I delusional?