If I could go back in time..

I would go back to 16 years old, when I said medications are a government conspiracy, or at least a symptom of chronic human dissatisfaction with the inequities of life, that would be better solved with personal liberation from oppression.

I would tell myself that I do have bipolar disorder, and just because it won't present the way that my mother's did, that doesn't mean it isn't there. I would tell myself that medication does help with chemical imbalances, and to get treated when symptoms start to really show themselves, around my mid-twenties (Lamictal will work.) Don't read stories about other people and tell yourself, "that's not me, so I don't have it." You know something is wrong, and it's not your fault.

I fantasize about this, but then I wonder how my life would be different if I could approach my younger self this way:

If I did this, I would have stayed in College. I wouldn't have become so confused that I lashed out at life because I felt incompetent, or incomplete. I wouldn't have lived in a commune for that year after college and experimented with psychedelics, which completely refreshed my opinion of myself. I wouldn't have met my husband, we wouldn't have opened our successful studio, and I wouldn't have known my daughter with her anomalously red hair. I would be living an entirely different life, maybe it would be better, but maybe not.

I'm not saying bipolar disorder makes your life better; in fact I'm one hundred percent sure it makes it worse. It's tedious, and you have to expend so much energy just living and breathing on top of everything else life expects from you. But I'm more self-aware than anyone I know; I have greater emotional intelligence. I feel seen, if only by myself, and I wouldn't trade it, because living without introspection is its own kind of chaos.