PPD ruined christmas

I feel so garbage today. I’ve been pretty severely depressed and despite doing some really intensive outpatient therapy(for the second time in 6 months) my depression still ruined the holiday for my husband. I had a meltdown because my mother brushed me off when I called her and I had no energy to clean or cook for the holiday. Eventually I spiraled bad enough that my panic about leaving my baby with my husband without childcare meant he broke down crying and then in anger about me wanting to quit my outpatient therapy program.

How am I supposed to feel okay continuing on? This is probably the only christmas she won’t have any memory at all of and I ruined it. What happens next year when I ruin that one too? What happens when she grows up wondering why mommy is sobbing on christmas and why dinner was just snacks? Why we have no tree and why we didn’t leave cookies out for santa? I can’t do this. I don’t want her to remember me at all. I feel like she’s just going to grow up just as depressed and broken and useless as I am. I wish I could disappear before she has any memory of me but my husband says that would make things worse. I just can’t see how that’s true. I just want her to grow up happy and feeling loved, not broken like me.