Help me work out some internal conflict?

Heads up, there’s probably some internalized transphobia and other semi-discomforting feelings here, but nothing too intense.

I have extreme anxiety about coming out, or being clocked. I know that it will change nearly all of my relationships, that I will lose friends and perhaps distance relatives. I worry about people at work seeing me differently, having known me and having been introduced to me as a man. Overall, I have pretty intense anxiety surrounding anyone knowing that I was (or am) a man if I were to ever present myself as a woman.

I have been on 2mg daily sublingual estradiol for the past 3 months, give or take. I started in late September, but after the election results in November, I became pretty wary. I’m pretty terrified of the worst case scenario as far as US politics goes. In terms of global politics, there’s a shift right, and one of my passions is to travel, but I understand that transitioning puts that ability at risk. Aside from the interpersonal and political issues, I do feel… better.

I have more energy, and I would swear it’s the best antidepressant I’ve tried. It’s taken the edge off in ways I didn’t know there was an edge, and while I haven’t experienced some of the commonly reported mental shifts, things feel noticeably different for me now, and it’s better.

But if I want to continue HRT, I have to confront both of these fears. I will have to be fine having visible breasts, and until I figure out my hairline, I’m going to have to find a convincing alternative. I think I could maybe pass (under the right lighting, haha) but shit, we’re pretty far from that right now. Don’t even get me started on facing the politics.

I’m in a blue state, in a pretty progressive area. I’m not as worried about here as I am in my hometown, with the people I grew up with and am connected to. I know a lot of the conventional wisdom, but I just can’t rationalize it well enough to tell myself it’s okay to keep going. Every day is a “should I take this dose, this time?” Despite wanting to just about every time, but being afraid to.

If you made it this far, thank you. I’d love to hear your stories and thoughts. And please, point out my blind spots, I’m a dumbass.