Am I the only one struggling with this?

Hi, I am a trans woman and just passed my 6th month on hormones (yay!) and I have been wondering about something for a while. I am very secure in me being a trans woman. I have started questioning when I was 10 and always wanted to be a girl/woman and be perceived as such. My goal for presenting was always really feminine and I always wished myself to be beautiful and envied girls that represented these things.

I finally managed after years of not being able to transition, mainly due to unsupportive parents, to make the step this year and I generally am quite happy with being on hormones and love certain changes that have occurred however it’s not the dramatic emotional improvement I had hoped and even though I had now a few months were I felt extremely secure in my identity as a woman I have always one or two days were doubts return.

Yesterday I hit a small but really anxiety inducing low. I suffer from what I feel is OCD but it’s not officially diagnosed. Recently I had a rough couple of days because trauma from my past came back to haunt me and yesterday after seeing some trans men posts on insta I felt this sudden rush of emotions. I often have this weird soup of emotions inside of myself when I see trans men timelines or post because first of all I am happy for them, then a part of me feels what I feel is dysphoria because of the changes they experience being the opposite of what I want but also this weird feeling which I can’t describe which triggers a "do you maybe want to be a man?". That thought of maybe secretly wanting to be a man terrifies the shit out of me. It get this burning sensation in the pit of my stomach and try to find ways to prove to myself that I am not a man and don’t want to be.

Yesterday this was unusually strong. I switched to injections this week so maybe the hormone levels being different is doing something to my head but it is weirdly strong. I am very burned out from work and private projects currently so dealing with this in addition is very exhausting. What also triggers these thoughts which usually terrifies me even more is stories where someone has blocked their true self and also stories of trans men struggling with femininity and me being scared that I am now experiencing this and that in actuality I am a man.

I never enjoyed masculinity and I hate being called masculine nicknames or family associations "son" "brother" and now also my deadname makes me feel bad and my new chosen name feels at least good and I like when people call me she. It doesn’t help however that due to being really unmotivated I didn’t manage to build much of a closet yet or get into a good beauty routine etc. and now it feels like I am failing at being a woman. I want to be a beautiful woman and I like to call myself woman but these doubts never fully go silent. I know I will not stop HRT, the thought of losing access alone causing me to be terrified but I also hate this voice in the back of my head always throwing "what ifs" at me.

Writing this I realise again that I am quite secure in being a woman and that I am not interested in being male but it still doesn’t quell that voice.

Any advice or shared experience is much appreciated <3

TLDR: Trans woman, half year on hormones experiencing occasional (probably ocd) doubts that she is surpressing her actual true self being male which leads to anxiety panic attacks where I try to prove to myself that I am a woman. Usually fades out and I return to being very dysphoric about not having a traditionally beautiful female body and not being feminine enough.