How the hell do you know if ur trans? 🤨

Hello! I am 24 and questioning my whole reality rn. Brief backstory: In October I kinda had a breakdown at my job, crying, questioning myself, anxiety attack, the works. Well, coworkers tried to comfort me and the entire time I was like “I have no clue who I am and I’m twenty four at a dead end job still living in my parents house cause I barely break $800 every two weeks at this job.” I had a lot on my plate and I felt stuck. For a hot minute I was contemplating running away and changing my whole persona. I went on a LOA for three weeks cause I couldn’t cope, couldn’t stop panicking, I was a mess.

I am back at work now and still feel like I wanna run away, change who I am and free myself from undesirable people, like my family, but I just don’t know how to make it happen.

Current situation: I have started introducing myself as a more masculine name to people and feel really good about it, I feel more comfortable around people when they call me the name I chose, I feel like they’re talking to me rather than some person I made up, it feels like who I have been the last twenty four years is just a made up person rather than who I am portraying myself as now. I tell people I’m genderfluid right now, since that’s an easier pill to swallow for some reason. I don’t strictly go by he/him but rather as she/they/he. I feel really good and excited when I look more masc, I feel good about myself when I’m referred to as sir when a customer slips up and thinks I’m a dude. Of course they correct themselves when I turn around 😂. I feel like I might as well face the world walking backwards. There’s so many things that make me feel like I am a man. It’s not just the want, but it hits me right in the soul.

✨The guilt✨: I have internalized transphobia. This is NOT something I’m proud of. HEED MY WARNING. IT GETS DARK RIGHT HERE. SCROLL DOWN A BIT TO GO TO THE REST. Okay, anyways. My parents HATE trans people. Think it’s an affront to god etc etc. I was raised to hate people and it makes me sad because I wasn’t educated about the matter til like junior year in highschool when I fell in love with my ex girlfriend. Now, all that internalized hate is kinda gone, but now it’s just fear, it’s not like I am scared of trans people, I’m scared that I am trans because, yippie, I was raised Catholic. My entire life I was convinced that if I so much as sneezed that I would be sentenced to hell and burn for all eternity. I was a little kid when this started. I would have nightmares about burning in hell. It’s BAD. Idk how tf to get past any of that. It’s so difficult to stop being scared.

OKAY UR GOOD TO STOP SCROLLING.

Now, to my big problem. I don’t know if I really am trans, or, if I am trying to escape my life, or, if I am trying to not be sexualized constantly. I feel like I am seen as nothing but tits and ass and I’m tired of mfers leering at me. When I look like a guy, I feel more comfortable in my skin, kinda like I’m incognito. I have so many questions. I feel so confused. I came out to a few people already and said “Hey I MIGHT be trans btw.” Cause I don’t wanna seal anything in stone. But how tf do I know? I need to change my therapist cause if she don’t wanna deal with it, cause I’m trying to talk to her about it and she kinda won’t let me? Ughhhh it’s exhausting.

Tldr: Dumb woman actually dumb man? Maybe, idk. :)