What did it feel like before, during and after your first time having gay sex both physically and emotionally?

I’m 23 I’ve fantasized about being a bottom for years. I think I’m getting close to trying it for the first time but I want it to be a secret and I feel like I’ll feel really guilty after it and that I wouldn’t be able to keep the secret. I’m a straight guy in society and i get nervous about how I’d keep my gay desires a secret at this point in my life even tho I understand posting here and chatting with gay men is already a secret in itself. I feel like I’m really close I just can’t really get over that fear is there anyone that can help with that?