I think there's something wrong with me
- The problem: I think I'm a psychopath?
- What I've tried so far: tried to fix myself by changing my personality
- What advice I need:
- Context:
Mahaba haba to kasi nilagay ko yung childhood story ko baka kasi Isa yun sa mga dahilan bat ganto ako...
I'm [22M] and I think there's something wrong with me, how can I tell?
Before that let me tell you a brief story of my life.
In my elementary days I'm kinda arrogant in my school because my mother is a teacher there and my father is popularly know in our baranggay and have a lot of connection.
Grade 1: One time when my teacher is absent and we need to transfer to another classroom I go to my mother class and just play there by myself.
Grade 2: One of my classmate bullied me because he is saying I'm a papa's boy, one time my father saw him punching me and said that I should punch him too and I punch him. After that the bullying got worst and he is saying that I'm "sumbungero".
Grade 3: I almost die because my father used to pick me up after class, but he didn't I run to my mother's classroom but I didn't see her, go to the teachers faculty and no sign of my mother or father, I decided to run of school and saw my father in the other side of the road I shout and shout until my voice cracked and cried then run shouting "papa" and a truck almost hit me but luckily it breaked in time.
Grade 4: I got a friend we talk and talk almost all the time, I got a manner of a "papansin" like I lie or do what ever I can just to get someone's attention I just like that all the people around me got their attention to me, so one time there's a transfer student in our class and I just annoy him just to get his attention. One day when there's an event I bad mouth him and he just head butt me.
I forgot to tell but almost all of the children is afraid of me because of my mother and father so they avoid me and gossiping "wag ka Jan anak Yan ng teacher"
I don't have really what I call friend because of that and I can't play with my neighbors after school because I need to stay in school until my mother is done in her work because there's no one in our house to monitor me. In result I'm always playing by myself in school ground, doing anything just to entertain myself.
In the teachers faculty almost all of the children there that is child of a teacher is a girl so sometimes I played with them but because of the gender difference they exclude my most of the time.
Grade 5: I almost stop at studying because my leg broke because of an accident in our motorcycle but my father convinced me to keep studying habang may "saklay". My friend in grade 4 unfriended me because I always destroy his base in "backyard monster" (Facebook game)
Grade 6: Same shit is happening I always seek attention that's why when a son of a teacher transfer to our class and is fat I bully him too like shooting a piece of paper in his butt crack. Playing with my mother's student but gave her a black eye instead, stole someone toy worth ₱500 (yung parang telescope na may mga stars) because my classmate said that I should get it. Make my girl classmates cry because I bully her too...
Grade 1 to 8 I'm in pilot section so sex Ed is kinda, ehhhhh...
Around 15 years old I discover bold and imagined to kidnap a woman and make my poop a food for her and my pee for drink. Not just a casual kidnapping but a detailed kidnapping like using a chloroform to make the person sleep and put her in a car then detain in an empty house in our neighborhood. Decided too to buy acetone and bleach to make chloroform but I enhailed it and decided not to do it.
I learned how to be "pilosopo" that's why almost all of my classmates hated me, when there's a gathering for practice i always go there in time but after 15 minutes and still there's no one there I will go home and go back there after 30 minutes that's why they always think that I'm late...
Flirting girls even though my friend is courting that girl. Never been into a relationship because I don't know how to "ligaw"
I always tell others "chismis" to other like when someone told this shit to me I will always tell it to others. Also I'm always behind the group like when I'm with my "friends" I'm always alone at the back. Also I'm a manipulative person...
There's always a time that I'm thinking how to torture someone or creating a game for gamers like a pov shooting game but they will control their character using their voice but the twist is the character is a real person (how that person can be controled? Kidnap his loved ones and threaten him that if he doesn't follow then you will kill them).
Until now I always destroying my friendships recently my friends that last for 7 years
With this kind of mindset, am I a psychopath? Or something? I never did illegal things, I don't have any "bisho" I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't gamble....
I also always think about killing myself, yeah this is pretty normal like passive suicidal?? But starting to hurt myself but not cutting or shit but like piercing my ears for the pain (para di halata sa tenga ka mag laslas char), using needles to pierce my arms yeah, it's hurts.
I forgot to tell that in my college days there's this girl that I like but a friend of mine confessed that he is courting her so poor me decided to attach to the girl that I like love bomb her then use her body (no sex involved) then break up with her.
Now that I'm working this friend of mine that I don't really see attractive but because of our closeness our workmates saying na "kami" ba daw? Ayun shiniship kami tas nag confess ako then nireject ako after some time she said na gusto niya ko makilala and she tell me her problems but because I don't know what to do told that problems to my co work, the things blew up, the whole company got affected. She said na I should stop na and my friends said there for over 7 years said that Friendship over na.
Yun yung nag trigger sakin to hurt myself, lagi kong iniisip na tumawag sa hotline but nahhh iniisip ko nalang na kaya ko to and I don't need them.
What should I do?