how do i help them?

sorry for the long post. i really needed to get this out of my system as i have nobody else to talk to. i’ll try to be as concise as i can, but there’s a LOT to this. i’m also autistic and my brain is all over the place right now so i apologise for my convoluted writing. TLDR at the end.

my partner [27] and i [23] have been dating for nearly 2 years. our relationship is very stable outside of this particular issue, they treat me well, and i implore you to read the full post before commenting telling me to just leave them. we love each other dearly and i want to help them with this, i think i just need some guidance as i haven’t been in this situation before within a romantic relationship.

my partner is addicted to alcohol and cocaine, and has been for over a decade now. this stemmed from them having a particularly difficult childhood and dealing with multiple forms of abuse (this also led to them developing BPD- which will come up later). over the years, they’ve been in a recovery-relapse cycle up until now. when we first met and for the first year or so of our relationship, they were clean. they were also very upfront with me about their issues before we even started dating as they wanted to make me aware of such, incase they were to relapse in the future. i remember saying that, if that were to happen, so long as they were honest and communicated with me, we would work through it together.

a few months ago, they befriended a work colleague who happens to sell coke on the side. he offered my partner a “bump” of his stuff at a party, and my partner asked me if they could have some. i should’ve said no. i wish i had. but i’m a people pleaser and i felt a bit put on the spot in front of this room full of people, so i said yes but “only a tiny bit and no more”. i guess i assumed it would take more than one bump to cause a relapse. i was wrong.

one of the boundaries we set initially in our relationship regarding their drug use was that, if they were to take substances other than weed, it had to be offered to them by others (aka no seeking it out) and they weren’t allowed to have their own “bag”. we agreed that this was a firm line that couldn’t be crossed. two weeks ago they bought their own bag of cocaine right in front of me from the aforementioned friend. i have a hard time believing this guy even really cared about them (they’ve since fallen out) since he supposedly knew about my partner’s past with addiction and still elected to sell them the very drug they were addicted to. the more i think about it, the angrier it makes me.

my partner’s BPD also plays a big role in their substance misuse, as in they have a hard time staying sober for long periods. i don’t have BPD myself, but from the extensive reading i’ve done i gather this is because their emotions are constantly on high, and substances help to “take the edge off”. they are also a heavy drinker (they work at a bar which certainly doesn’t help) and occasionally this creates problems that spill over and affect other people as well.

when they’ve had too much to drink, at best they’ll be lovey-dovey and a bit silly. at worst, their BPD will start going haywire and they fall into an episode, which usually manifests as them fixating on a particular event where they believe they have been wronged or abandoned, and becoming extremely upset and behaving in erratic and sometimes dangerous ways. i’ve watched them knock themself unconscious by bashing their head against a metal pole. they’ll sometimes threaten to harm themselves or other people. they’ll run off without breathing a word of where they’re going and turn off their phone. before we met, they not only attempted suicide multiple times, but succeeded on two occasions and had to be resuscitated. now i’m not saying that all of this was entirely caused by alcohol, but the only episodes of theirs i’ve ever witnessed of a similar magnitude have happened when they have had a substantial amount to drink.

i’m writing this post because in the last few weeks or so, things seem to have taken an especially downward turn. there was the cocaine binge on new years’ eve, which i was present for but they sent me home early (allegedly because i was too sleepy, but likely also because they could see how uncomfortable i was with the cocaine-taking). then, about a week later, they went to a work event with a free bar, got almost blackout drunk, kicked out of a club for vomiting on the dance floor, then stumbled home and phoned me at 6am, slurring about their friends abandoning them and threatening to kill themself. i got dressed and ran to their house only for them to stop answering my calls, and spent the next hour outside their front door frantically trying to get hold of them to no avail. eventually my phone battery was almost dead and i couldn’t feel my fingers. i would’ve called the police, but i’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that to a mentally ill person having a crisis. they would never forgive me. so, i went back to mine and convinced myself they’d probably just passed out drunk and weren’t in danger. thankfully, i was right.

the next day, i asked them to call me and we talked about what happened the previous night and i made it clear i never wanted that to happen again, and begged them to tone down the drinking and substance use to give their body a chance to heal. and, selfishly, because i wanted to be able to sleep at night. they agreed to take it easy for a bit, and apologised for neglecting and hurting me. for the next few days, they were good as gold. but tonight, they messaged me as i was leaving work saying they were craving cocaine. they were adamant they weren’t going to give in to it, but instead were planning to go to a friend’s place and play poker with a small group. i received a text from them at midnight saying they were there and having a good time, but it’s been radio silence since. their phone is going straight to voicemail.

it’s currently 5am and i still haven’t heard from them. i don’t know where they are, if they’re safe, if they’ve taken anything, who they’re with. i don’t know if i’m even supposed to know all of these things or if i’m being overly possessive and paranoid. i don’t want to be like that at all, but with their record of impulsive behaviour, i’m honestly afraid for their safety. chances are they’ll message me tomorrow morning saying their phone died (happens a lot) and everything was fine, but until then i’m just going to stay up worrying. i can’t even begin to count the amount of sleep i’ve lost, the meltdowns i’ve had, over these types of situations. i love this person, with my entire being, and i can’t imagine my life without them in it, but sometimes they fucking terrify me.

it’s also worth mentioning i have some issues of my own (a couple of manageable mental illnesses, but i highly suspect i have some kind of paranoid disorder), so i may well just be overreacting to things and have no idea. all i know is i’m exhausted, and i’m afraid it’s only going to get worse. i just can’t sit by and watch the person i love most in the world slip away like this. what the hell am i meant to do? did i bring this on the both of us by letting them have that first bump months ago? have i ruined both of our lives?

TLDR my partner is slipping back into addictive behaviours after i mistakenly enabled them, and i’m unsure of how to help them without being controlling. they have said they would modify their behaviour but still haven’t, and i don’t know what to do.