I’ve accepted my husband doesn’t care about my needs in the bedroom and I’m cutting off sex
We’ve been married for almost a year and we get into the same cycle, we have sex the way he wants (zero preparation/foreplay for me) and this goes on for about two months till I try to speak up about what I want from him sexually, he nods along and says he understands but he needs time but then he slips right back time and time again.
Sometimes I try to encourage him to touch me but he is so rough that it’s painful and he gets angry when I try to tell him to be more gentle. At this point after telling him for a year how I would like him to approach me for sex his rough touch feels like he’s simply trying to punish me for not doing it his way and for me to just let him just use my body the way he wants.
I have grown tired of this cycle, it makes me feel ugly and undesirable and that I’m not worth someone putting in a little extra effort to help me enjoy myself more during sex. So I asked him straight up whether things were actually going to change, whether he could ever see himself taking some time to focus on my needs. His response was that there are lots of things he’s not happy with and that I need to fix (he never elaborated exactly what these things were) and that we would talk about it another time(He has said this before but things go back to the way they’ve always been). It’s like a switch went off when he said this, and without him knowing he gave me his answer.
After a year I’ve accepted that things will not change, he will be happy to go along with things the way they have been. But I’m done.
Im not willing to fulfill his every fantasy and desire anymore, I’m not willing to make his sexual experience my focus anymore. I’m going to take time for myself and focus on fulfilling my own sexual needs, I have tried talking to him time and time again but at the end of the day if he doesn’t want a direct discussion then I won’t force him.
I’m not going to play his game anymore, if he refuse to put any focus on my desires then sex is simply off the table from now on. And now I feel more free then I’ve ever felt, I’ve shaken off the burden of fulfilling both his sexual needs and my own.
Maybe people won’t understand or say I’m not doing things the right way, but after all this time I’m looking forward to this next chapter where I put myself first and don’t have to wait for someone to finally fulfill my needs.
Additional notes:
Btw I know this can be a question that can come up in this topic, but I have a much higher sexual drive then my husband, my hygiene is completely fine and I do initiate sex but he takes over and does things his way or directs me on what he wants.
Also to define “my needs” I mean basic kissing and holding for longer then 30 seconds before he’s already “doing it”,kissing on my neck, and eventually some form of foreplay without him inflicting pain would be what I’m describing.
EDIT: he guys I see a lot of people extremely concerned or misunderstanding the post, my husband has never and would never rape me, to be honest when I express I’m in pain or not happy he gets extremely turned off and we don’t end up continuing sex anymore. if we don’t see sex through he will never get angry with me , I have turned him down or asked him to stop sometimes and he never has had a single problem with it. But thank you all for caring so much god bless you.
People are getting confused so I’ll give to a description of how things usually go, one of us will approach the other for sex and he immediately tries to penetrate with no foreplay, if I ask him during sex to touch me in a certain place then he will do so but roughly, I’ll try to tell him to not be so rough then he gets upset with me and angry at my comment and tell me to not control him. At this point I’d either tell him to just stick to penetration, otherwise if I’m not feeling it then he’ll just stop and we’d cuddle. This means that I will barely ask him to touch me in specific places. Any other foreplay is simply an absolute nightmare so I don’t ask for that.
And those asking why i was married to him when this issue exists, I was a virgin when we were married so I’ve had no previous sexual experiences whatsoever with him or anyone else.
In all honesty I had a short discussion with him already and he seemed to take it fine.
Also, the sex is nice. Especially if I’m in the mood for just sex without anything more, but I know it could be SOOOO much better and I feel as though it is only good so long as I don’t try to advise or correct him which is a huge issue. sticking to things like this for the rest of my life isn’t something I’m looking forward to so I want to simply take care of myself from now on.