Statement of BigMacAttack14 regarding a quote from TMA that kept me from breaking my sobriety. Statement begins.

I’ve been sober for four years. Alcohol was my chosen vice. I had been going way too hard for about ten years when I decided that I didn’t want to end up like my father (an asshole and then a dead-when-I-was-still-young asshole). So I started going to therapy and was eventually able to kick the sauce entirely.

You’re probably aware of the…situation that’s unfolding in my home country (USA). At this point in my recovery I’ve gotten used to bad things happening and not instinctively reaching for the bottle. Thing is, this year has been an endless onslaught of disaster after disaster for me. So Tuesday just kind of felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Early on, my therapist and I used to talk about my subjective experience of alcohol cravings. For me, it was always this strong feeling of inevitability. Like a compulsion or a geass. Once it took root in my brain, I felt like I was no longer in the drivers seat.

We called it “The Invitation You Must Accept”

Last night, The Invitation came for the first time in a long time.

I was sitting on my bed, feeling as miserable as I ever had. My body and animal brain started to execute its long-rehearsed but unperformed choreography that would eventually lead me to the liquor store for a bottle of Tanqueray and a pack of tonic water. I realize that objectively, I had total control of my actions. I could have willed myself to stop at any time. But that creeping sense of inevitability had wound itself around my body like quicksand. You could resist, but you’ve convinced yourself there’s no point.

I suppose that’s what true hopelessness must feel like.

I was ready to go. The keys were in my hand. I made arrangements to miss work because I knew that after four years, I would be in for one hell of a hangover.

Suddenly, a quote from TMA popped in my head.

It was from S3 when Jon tries to compel Elias for the first time and they’re talking afterwards. “You absolutely did choose this” were the words I remembered.

But I knew that wasn’t quite right. What exactly did he say again? Which episode was it? I could not remember but I really wanted to know. Right at that moment.

My body protested slightly. But the hyperfixation was in the driver’s seat now. The Invitation had lost a little of its grip on me.

It was enough to make me put my keys back on the counter and sit down on the bed while I Googled.

And from there, it was so much easier to just lay back down, play some vidya, and fall asleep.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I’m sorry this is kinda only TMA-adjacent content. But I feel like lots of people could use hope right now, for one reason or another.

And for the record, I now know that the episode in question was MAG 92…which was also the next episode up in my relisten. Just a weird bit of synchronicity to wrap things up.

Be well out there, everyone.

Statement ends.