He won’t stop reacting to me.

I am getting very close with my male friend and we cuddle almost everytime we see eachother. We recently went on a trip and we had to sleep in the same bed together, and I was so nervous because I knew I was going to sweat and he was going to react (he reacts to me anyways). Basically the entire night he kept sniffling like his life depended on it, I couldn’t sleep because of it and I felt disgusting. It’s crazy because I showered twice that day and didn’t smell bad but he reacted the entire night.

He keeps suspecting something is wrong and keeps asking if I want to talk about anything but I am too scared to tell him my biggest shame and insecurity (PATM and TMAU). I am afraid that it will be used against me in some way. I also feel bad that I am basically a germ to him and he reacts when we are simply lying down. He also notices when he coughs and sniffs my body jumps, because my body is programmed this way and labels coughing and sniffing as a threat.

All of this has made me distant, suicidal, anxious, etc etc the whole entire mental illnesses attached to having these conditions. I want to be normal and cuddle with him, kiss him, hug him without him just fucking reacting. And I would overthink the entire time “do I smell do I smell do I smell” and when he leaves I check myself and I smell good?

Even today, he complimented me twice on how good I smell but reacts when I talk and move. And I don’t understand what it is because I starve myself because of this condition. My life is only teas and smoothies and supplements.

All of this makes me very resentful towards him but we have moments where it would be nice to be with him but this holds me back so so much, my emotions change whenever he reacts and my brain is like “I could never be with a person who reacts to me like this because I will never be comfortable”.

I don’t accept myself while enduring/having this condition, so how could anyone else? I don’t see myself as worthy or confident or feminine at all…so if I don’t see those things and feel fucking disgusting after even one reaction…how can I allow for him to see normalness, cleanliness, and femininity in me? It’s so mind boggling and I hate it. Makes me feel bipolar.

Are any of you in relationships? How did you tell your partner? How do you feel like they aren’t lying all the time?