why do I like watching suicide videos

I don’t like watching gore videos they freak me out really bad. Seeing blood and wounds and all that shit makes me dissociate rlly bad but for some reason I can’t stop watching suicide videos especially train ones. Is it cos I’m rlly suicidal and so I like watching people going through what I want to go through? I always thought people who liked gore were edgy freaks but I don’t think I’m any better now. Does anyone else go through this? Is it a common thing for depressed people cos I feel so gross