Long post I’m sorry

I’ve (27f) been battling with depression and suicidal thoughts for over a decade now. I’ve dealt with extreme abuse and uncertainty as a child, found my former partner after he committed suicide and I truly didn’t think I would ever find someone I loved like that again. I attempted to end my own life and was hospitalized. Afterwards, it was still hard but I slowly started to push to make things better with the help of my college roommates, friends, and some family. Eventually I got much better and I had a lot of things to be happy about in my life. I loved my teaching job, my friends, my apartment and then I met the partner of my dreams. We shared similar values and talked about how excited we were to have a family and be parents one day.

After 2 years of commuting an hour to see each other, I ended up leaving my job and moving to his state so that we could live together and be close to his family, something that was very important to him. We got a house together, and a dog. We just had our 4 year anniversary. I was sure we were going to get engaged this year. We talked about our future plans all the time. We had a lot of love and respect for each other. I was so happy and finally felt like my life was falling into the place I’ve always dreamed it would. I was so happy to finally have a place that I could truly call home for the first time in my life. I was so happy that I had my best friend to share it with, someone that I trusted and loved so much.

This past year, we went through some changes with me leaving my job to figure out something new, and starting therapy to really work through some of the things I’ve been through in my past. A few months ago, I sensed a big change in my partner. He seemed to be spending less time at home, keeping himself more busy, and made some new friends. This was a big change as we have always been on the same page. We were having issues due to lack of communication and long story short, he broke up with me 2 months ago. He told me he had a “pit in his stomach” when he thought about marriage. This was devastating and truly shocking to me as we had talked about a future together all along and literally just renovated an entire home together and just got a puppy within the year. Nothing really changed between us so I just don’t understand how and why he changed his mind so suddenly.

I really have been working so hard to pick myself back up but I feel like everything is against me. I’m being forced to leave our home that we completely renovated together (it’s in his name only) even though I put over 30k into it. I have no assets of my own right now and no savings since I literally put all of my money into this house and then left my job to work on myself this past year (something he reassured me was a good idea over and over again). He wants me to have the dog because he knows how important she is to me, but it’s a huge responsibility to take care of a pet alone and almost impossible to find a decent place to live with a dog at a price I can afford.

I was just offered a great job that pays better than teaching but still not enough to rent a safe place on my own with a dog in a state where I really don’t have any support (friends/family).

I just don’t know what to do and I guess I just need to talk to people who might understand. I really don’t want to feel this low and suicidal again. I really thought I was past all of that but my world being completely flipped upside down like this makes me feel doomed. I don’t want to feel this way but I really don’t see how I will get through all of this. I’m so devastated to lose the only other love of my life I feel I can have. The last time I felt this way, I had the support of my roommates and had a place to live and school to focus on. Now, all of my friends are living far away, getting engaged or married or having babies. I’m not trying to compare either as I am SO happy for them all. I just am saying I don’t really have the support I once had the first time I felt this way and that scares me that I won’t get through it this time without them.

I don’t feel like I can tell anyone that I’m feeling this way because I don’t want to scare anyone and it feels incredibly selfish to tell people and have them worry when they have so much going on in their own lives. There’s nothing anyone can do to help anyways. I guess I’m just getting it off my chest a bit through here because that’s all I feel I can do at this point. I don’t want my life to end. I want to fight these feelings and thoughts. I don’t know if I can again.