already missing my Benny boy🤍

our beautiful gentle giant and biggest cuddle bug has crossed over the rainbow bridge today. he has been a big part of my 20s and taught me love, patience, empathy and gifted me many memories and farts. he has been by my side for so many years and has filled my heart with so much love. it is hard typing this right now, as the silence in the room is deafening. his loud breathing has filled every room we have lived in over the past years and the silence is heartbreaking. i am used to hearing his nails and paws hitting my chair as I would sit at my desk signaling that he wants pet or he is stretching. but now it's quiet. it feels so so weird. even feeding the two other dogs dinner today was so sad. it took way less time since Ben's food needed prepping and I would sit with him to make sure he is not inhaling his food. but this time I set the bowls and went back to the room crying from emptiness. my face is burning from all the crying but everything is reminding me of my baby boy. i felt guilty for having to put him down but i am realizing how much he was fighting to stay around for us. the vet who came over said that it was bad that he has lost most of his muscles that would fill up his loose skin and that he was ready. making it even more special that on our day trip to snow he walked a couple steps all on his own. he peed and pooped on his own as well! something he hasn't been able to do on his own as of lately. he really mastered up the last of his energy. but my baby was in pain. we gave him two yummy steaks, peanut butter cups, oreo ice cream sadwich, mangos and kiwis, as well as hershey kisses as a very last treat. he ate everything and could honestly devour some more! he was obsessed with water, so he has lots of it as well. since he was in pain the past few nights, we have been taking shifts sleeping with him next to his bed, making him our little spoon to soothe his crying. i can still smell his fur and feel his warmth. i truly hope he is able to run and jump around now. hope he is playing tug of war, drinking lots of water and eating yummy food. i truly wish i will see him again. thank you for being my baby boy, Benny. you have lived a long life, almost 12 years! hope all of it was good.

wrote all of the above last night. this morning the walk with the dogs felt so weird and empty. looking at Ben’s bed, bowls, blankets and everything is so disheartening. i miss you 🤍