Intense distress (long read)

Hey all,

I’ve been following this sub-Reddit for a bit now. I began chewing pouches in the fall of 2023. Went from a few 2mg On pouches to a can of Velo 4mg every day. I used it to self-medicate during a period of very high stress in my work and personal life. I had a tyrannical supervisor who was allegedly doing some criminal things and taking all his stress out on me once the (12 month+) investigation process began. Meanwhile, I had moved my wife and newborn child out of state for this job, and felt trapped. During this time, my dad was terminally ill and eventually died. That was difficult, as we were very close, and my family was still grieving the sudden death of my brother.

I ended up hitting a mental health wall in September 2024. I quit my job because I couldn’t take it anymore, and spent a few weeks in bed depressed, anxious, and feeling incredibly alone. I have a long history of depression and anxiety in my life, and in my family history. I had some panic attacks after my brother passed away. This scenario felt different somehow, though. My anxiety was off the charts, and I could barely function. I began having horrible panic attacks regularly. My blood pressure and blood sugar were out of control for a 31M with my reasonable weight and activity level. I began suspecting the nicotine might be part of the problem.

My life calmed down once December 2024 came, at least externally. I was offered a new job with a much better boss. The boss at my old job finally got canned, so there was a sense of vindication there. My friends really showed up for me while I was at my lowest. But the anxiety wasn’t getting better. It was getting worse and I had no idea why. I could no longer identify the triggers of my panic attacks - they would start without warning, and very quickly. One minute, I’d be fine, hanging out with my family. The next, I’d be hyperventilating in the bathroom with random irrational fears going through my mind.

Fearing a mental breakdown of some kind, I reached out to trusted friends and advisors, and began wondering more seriously if nicotine were causing me some issues. I stumbled upon this subreddit a few weeks ago, and found dozens of other people experiencing similar symptoms - outrageous levels of anxiety/health anxiety, panic attacks, high BP, etc. It was comforting to know that I might not actually be losing it.

The day after Christmas 2024, I gave up the pouches. I tapered very quickly (5-6 days) down from a can of 4mg Velo a day to nothing. It’s been a miserable battle but the symptoms I was experiencing from using nicotine were so much worse than what quitting could ever do to me. My life has been difficult and anxiety-ridden enough without the added problems nicotine introduced.

The withdrawal symptoms have been really unpleasant. Heart palpitations, chest pain, brain fog, dizziness, irritability, and depression/anxiety. I would say my overall anxiety level dropped almost immediately after quitting. I was at the point where I was basically living in a full-on panic attack all the time. Now it’s only some of the time - for some reason I get them at night most often, with the occasional one during the day. The triggers are now identifiable: tbh if I hear talk about severe mental health issues, that sparks a panic attack almost every time.

I am still struggling with the mental aspect of withdrawal symptoms. The physical ones I can deal with. They aren’t as troubling anymore. My heart rate seems to have stabilized, and I can handle being dizzy and tired. It’s the irrational fears and health anxiety that are just getting me hardcore. The fear that I am losing it, that I’ll end up in an asylum and be away from my family, that I’ll never be able to function normally. These things hit me out of nowhere still. And to be honest, I know and believe that they’ll pass. But I am just looking for someone to tell me that it will be okay.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope you guys are doing well and that your quitting journey is going smoothly. In case you ask, yes I have help available. I have a strong group of friends at my church I can rely on, and am looking for a psychologist. My wife and son are also amazing.