[QCrit] Dark Fantasy - THE PORTAL KEEPER (119k, 4th attempt)

Hello, everyone! I'm back with a fourth attempt after some great feedback from the third (updated the word count since I've cut a few things). I tried to centre the story around the protagonist this time, and make the stakes more personal. I've also shortened the bio and the opening paragraph. I'm still looking for better comps though, and would gladly take any suggestion. Enjoy and critique!

Dear [Agent Name],

I am seeking representation for a fiction book entitled THE PORTAL KEEPER [Personalised text for the agent]. Complete at 119,000 words, THE PORTAL KEEPER is a standalone dark fantasy novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans of Tami Muir's Gideon the Ninth and Erin Morgenstern's The Starless Sea.

William is a drug addict. Orphaned and alone, he spends most of his days in the basement, seeking solace in the company of his cat and several coloured pills. Outside, a storm rages, and Mina, a flower girl who keeps barging in, pulls a prank that inadvertently saves his life. Discharged from hospital with a missing eye, all he wants is to be left alone, but that proves difficult when dreams begin to bleed into reality, and a goblin starts to follow him.

The tiny man means no harm. Turns out that both he and Will are hunted by a demon, one who failed to claim their souls, and they aren’t its only targets. Travelling through portals to other worlds, they gather a questionable party and uncover a chilling truth: the demon has imprisoned Death, and is trapping the souls within a magical artifact.

Billions have already vanished into that desolate purgatory, with countless more destined to follow. Will has been there himself and has no wish to return. In his new allies, he has found something he never wanted before: friendship, a family. And he refuses to lose them to a self-righteous, immortal prick.

Armed with magical artifacts of his own, he’s ready to harness their power and step into the land of the dead to free Death and release the souls. But these relics were never meant for mortals, and wielding them could cost him his life.

I am a neurodivergent writer with a passion for RPGs. My day job is in tech, but I’ve been fiddling with writing ever since I was little. I never believed I could write an entire novel until my partner read one of my short stories and encouraged me to take the leap. What followed was a year and a half of daily, joyful effort to turn that story into a book.

Thank you for your time.

Kind regards,

[Me]