I feel like this thing is developing beyond where it started.
The thoughts are getting more vicious and specific. My feelings are veering more toward the meta side of things, and I feel like what I thought I knew is being broken down into little bits of "but is this really true?"
I saw something specific on someone too young the other day that my brain flagged as attractive, and it freaked me out. I couldn't get it off my mind either, and I feel horrible because apparently it doesn't matter to my thoughts how young someone is if something about them looks nice. I don't want to know, but I guess the fun of POCD having to hear it anyway and watching as your mind slowly begins associating things that shouldn't be associated (which is a side effect that I have verified a hundred times and still makes my skin crawl). I know the mind can be indiscriminate with thing like that, not taking your own preferences into account before sending you signals, but this seems to go a little beyond. Normal people don't look at underage people and feel anything. Once upon a time, that was me too, and I know that because past-me has been in places around minors that now-me would run screaming in fear from. And what did it do back then? Absolutely nothing. But now my brain actively seeks out things I don't want to see, makes me feel things I don't want to feel, and it seems to be getting more intense.
I can say with 99% certainty that I didn't start out on the P side of things and that this POCD developed as a fear response. So why now am I getting to the point where it really feels like P? Is it just because I'm so hyperfixiated on this topic that my thought patterns are changing? That's a terrifying prospect. I don't want to think like this. I want to feel sane again.
I know I should talk to a therapist about this, but mine doesn't specialize in OCD, and I'm understandably scared to bring this up. It's such a polarizing thing. If anyone has any resources I can use that don't involve talking to another live person, I'd like to kindly ask that you leave them here so I can try battling this on my own. Thank you.
Edit: Please do NOT welcome yourself into my DMs telling me that "kids can be attractive." Thanks for sending me into a spiral, and please don't reach out to me ever again. If you have CONSTRUCTIVE help, I'd appreciate it being here.