I planned to end my life this day, suddenly naospital only sister ko and life-threatening daw. Feel ko tinatawanan ako ng universe ngayon

I made up my mind since last November pa to end my suffering this very day. I comforted myself during those torturous days where I forced myself to be functional with the thought na this suffering will end soon, and I decided to do it on this specific day. Next week na birthday ko and I feel like it’s the perfect time to pass on my own means. I wrote my letters, fixed up my journal, throw away the things I didn’t want my family to see, and indulged myself with food I enjoy a week before this day. I have no regrets left, ready na ako. I also planned kung paano madidiscover body ko bago madecompose and describe in my letter how I want to be buried. All set na.

Now I feel like the universe is throwing a huge ‘fuck you’ to my face and misery. My sibling was admitted and confined sa hospital ngayong araw din. Inuubo ng dugo and all other complications daw. Dalawa lang kaming magkapatid and we’re both in our early twenties. Kanina pa ako tanong nang tanong kay daddy kung ano yung condition nya, kung stable na ba kaso hindi pa daw at parang lumala pa. I thought okay lang kung mamamatay ako, kasi may isa pa naman silang anak and siguro magluluksa sila for a year or two but they will find a reason to move forward again and all that will be left on me was a memory and a gravestone. Hindi kaya ng konsensya ko na dalawa kaming sabay na mawawala. What a cruel God. Parang tinataunt nya ako ngayon with a huge grin on his face saying in a singsong voice na “Kaya mo bang gawin yon sa kanila? Ngayon na may sakit kapatid mo?”

I don’t need advice nor more guilt tripping. My mind tortured me enough with those. I wouldn’t come to this decision if I lived like a normal person and had not experienced the horrors I endured.