Growing up makes Christmas lose its magic.

idk if really triggering but to be safe nalang since this is sad I guess I'll label it as such if ever makahawa yung depressing thoughts ko.

Christmas is special here sa ph and pagpasok palang ng ber months nandyan agad si mariah, jmc and mga christmas decorations. When I was younger I get excited pag ayan na ber months kaso now that I've grown up (25 rn) idk if its also bc single ako although by choice naman pero christmas isn't as fun as it was. Adulting sucks the joy out of everything and mas nafifeel ko yung bigat when christmas season comes.

Noong bata pa ko masaya ako kasi my grandparents initiated parties and handaan although wala na sila tinuloy parin naman ng relatives ko yung "tradition" pero its not the same anymore. I get more depressed the nearer dec. 25th comes as I remember my grandparents and how I miss them so much. I just realized that I was happy not because of the parties and handaan, I was happy because we were complete. Now as another year ends, I just see my parents get older, I see our bunso, my little sister grow up, I see myself get older. Its like time is passing by so fast and its scary as sometimes it occur to me that someday I'm gonna spend my Christmases without them one day.

Maybe its because I have depression thats why i'm this affected when any celebrations comes. I'm going on a psychiatrist naman and on the road of being okay but its a long journey ahead and my ADHD doesn't help as it makes my everyday life feels like a struggle. I guess christmas = one of the busiest season of the year is mas mahirap for me as i have a horrible executive dysfunction but I hope life gets better. .
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Edit:

I've read every comment but I'm exhausted. Sa 26 pa ata ako makakapag pahinga properly, ang hirap maging reliable sa pamilya LOL.

I'm still in college so wala pa naman akong problema with bills and such. Emotionally and mentally draining lan talaga mas gusto ko pa mapagod katawan ko than utak. Ang adulting lang ata na nabibigatan ako is that I'm the panganay, the hopes and dreams of the family, the tapunan ng feelings, tagasalo, taga sagip, and all that shit. In short, the reliable one. I think namimiss ko lang talaga yung grandparents ko kasi with them parang bata lang ako. We're in this bubble na pagsisilbihan ko lang sila and in turn they pamper me well, when I was with them I'm just happy.

Its been 5/6 yrs since they died and my mom keeps crying whenever the christmas season comes. We haven't celebrated it as well simula nung nawala sila? Simple celebration nalang kami with food and drinks (which makes my dad & sister happy) pero I think ako and si mommy lang talaga yung problema lol. We have kids in the family (inaanak & pamangkin) I'm happy whenever they're around pero alam mo yung feeling na "I'm happy that you're all happy" and not "I'm happy" as in me, ako mismo masaya.

Baka sakin my grandparents were the magic. When they died, they took the magic with them. Well I just look forward sa inuman, perks ng adult yay! Karaoke din masarap outlet ng naipong stress and frustration ng buhay lalo na mga punk rock/hugot songs.