Getting some things off my chest

I'm okay now. I'm safe now. But when I was with my ex I wasn't safe. He emotionally and verbally abused me everyday. If he didn't hate me, he was praising me. I fought for crumbs of affection. But mainly he was judging me. I walked on eggshells daily. My emotions were not valid to him. I was to blame for everything. All that mattered to him were my achievements. All that mattered was how people, complete strangers, perceived him and me.

I didn't tell anyone. I pretended everything was okay for years. I wasn't fine. I wasn't good. I was and still am, at times, physically tense. A complete anxious mess. My self esteem was in the gutter. And the worst part was: I thought that it was okay to be treated like that.

I'm just left standing here thinking, "What the hell just happened?!?" I mean I know why I stayed, but it makes me feel sick. Anyone else feel this? Just the utter shock of how badly (physically and mentally) it felt to be stuck in an abusive relationship for so long?