I’ve been manipulated so much that I don’t believe the things that come out of my own mouth

I grew up with a narcissistic father and now I feel trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. I’ve been with him for two years and it never gets better. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him how much his actions are effecting me, nothing ever changes. He goes into a rage multiple times a day and puts the blame on me, even if the situation was out of my control. I “didn’t comfort him enough” or I “reacted the wrong way”. I’m just so over it. I keep gaslighting myself into thinking it’s not as bad as it really is. I have short term memory loss when I try to remember the things he’s done to me. I’ve told my friends about this and I always second guess what I’m saying because I feel like I’m making it up. I live in a constant state of anxiety. I can’t keep living like this. I am so miserable.