Buying gender affirming clothes making things worse

I don’t really have anywhere to talk about this so I thought maybe it would help to throw it in the void here.

I’m MTF and still pretty closeted, I am out to close friends, but that’s it. Very blessed to have them! I want to look into therapy and such to figure things out but because of money and anxiety it’s taking me longer than maybe it should. I bought some gender affirming clothes online recently to help me feel better, and they got delivered today. I threw them on and I felt great! I walked around my apartment and felt awesome, as usual when I dress femme. Then I made the mistake of looking in the mirror; I was every conservatives dream. Any picture of me within 100m of a woman’s washroom would be enough to turn everyone to the far right.

I have broad shoulders, am a bit overweight, and don’t have much to scoff at hips or butt-wise lol. I’m also just under six foot. It struck me as I looked in the mirror that no amount of makeup, growing out my hair, hormones, or surgery could fix that. Puberty already screwed me up, and nobody will ever see me as a woman without having to force themselves to use the right pronouns. They will always seen me as a man dressed as a woman.

It feels frustrating, but I don’t think I can go down this road and be happy, so if I’m going to be miserable regardless, I might as well make it easy as possible and do… nothing, right? Every time I look at the clothing I ordered I see that rancid image of myself looking in the mirror. I wish I didn’t order them, all I did was gut-punch myself deeper into the closet.