Are My Boyfriend’s Demands Normal for a Serious Relationship or Are They Controlling?

TL;DR: I've been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 months, but his recent demands feel controlling. I've made adjustments to my behaviour, but I'm unsure if this is normal for a man who wants to feel his partner committed or if it's manipulative, and how to set boundaries moving forward.

My boyfriend (25M) and I (24 F) have been dating for 3.5 months, officially together for 1.5 months. While he reassured me early on that he’s different from my toxic ex, his recent behavior makes me question if he’s controlling. As a context, my ex didn’t allow me to go to the gym, to stay out after 10PM, to post pictures on social media or have any interactions with males that weren’t his friends or my family.

Early on, when we first talked about having something serious, he asked me to delete all guys I’d followed on instagram that I found via dating apps, which I did, but he still followed women from those apps. When I confronted him, he said he was "researching" to see if they were linked to the guys I used to follow, which felt like a weak excuse. He also got upset when I swam at a friend’s birthday party, saying it was inappropriate for me to be in a swimsuit around men in a group where he wasn’t present, but going to the beach is fine because there are more people. Additionally, though he was initially okay with me hugging my male friends (quick platonic hugs which happen when we meet and when we leave) he later expressed discomfort and asked me to stop. He also had a dramatic reaction when I bought a pack of cigarettes to smoke during a weekend, saying that I betrayed him as we were planning to quit smoking together. He expected me to leave my friends immediately to address this issue, telling me to “get up and leave that place.” He was upset that I didn’t and said that “a coffee with my friends shouldn’t be more important than our relationship.” Additionally, he has a close relationship with an older divorced female neighbor with whom he hangs out occasionally. He admitted to grabbing her butt once as a joke to “see her muscles” and they also were joking about co-parenting her son. He insists it’s platonic and that he views her as a mentor and mother, that she always helped him with advice, but he’s mentioned multiple times how attractive she is. Even if nothing is going on between them, is it normal for him to be so critical of me hugging my friends in a group setting or wearing a swimsuit at a pool party while he spends time with a woman he’s had flirtatious moments with?

I’ve made several concessions for him, I promised that I will start avoiding hugs, I limited interactions with guys and I shared my live location with him 24/7 even though he didn’t want to share his with me. I thought if I complied with his expectations, we’d have a great time and avoid fights, but it seems there’s always something new that bothers him.

I brought up to him that sometimes his behaviour feels manipulative and reminds me of my ex, which concerns me. In response, he told me that these are simply his needs and expectations and that maybe my ex had his own demands as well, saying that my ex might not have been as toxic as I think. He insisted that it's normal for people in relationships to express what they want and don’t want, he emphasized that it’s about understanding and respecting his needs and that if I cannot do these things and I feel they are too exaggerated, it means that maybe we are different and shouldn’t be in a relationship. I understand that we all might have different needs and I have mine as well, but it’s hard for me to identify which ones are reasonable and which are controlling. I understand that as we grow and mature, we naturally spend less time with groups of friends, especially mixed ones, and focus more on doing things with our partner. However, I believe I should continue spending time with my mixed friends group, especially since the relationship with my boyfriend is still at the beginning. I don’t want to lose those friendships or cut myself off from parts of my social life, particularly when I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong by keeping these connections.

I’m starting to feel confused about what a serious, dedicated man in a relationship should really be like. I thought I knew what to expect, but now I’m questioning whether the things he’s asking for are what commitment looks like, or if I’ve lost sight of what’s reasonable in a healthy relationship. I want to get married and have kids in the next few years, and I need someone who’s on the same page. The problem is most guys my age are still just looking to mess around and aren’t really thinking about settling down. It feels like the men who I meet and want something serious as well often have certain expectations that make me wonder about the balance between personal freedom and commitment in a relationship. And trust me I’m not a party girl—I mostly go out only with my female friends and we don’t really go to clubs (we go once a year for Women’s day), we generally go out for coffees, brunches and cocktails. I have this one group of friends from university that includes some guys, but ever since I started dating my boyfriend, I’ve really tried to meet them very rarely - they are the ones that I am supposed to stop hugging. I feel like a relationship should be based on trust, but he keeps saying it’s about respect as well and that I should know what’s okay and set those boundaries on my own, without him telling me. The thing is, I don’t feel like I’m doing things that a woman in a relationship shouldn’t do, I’m a good girl—I dress and do my makeup decently, post normal pictures on social media, and most days I’m just going to work and then home, so it’s not like I’m out in bars all the time will all types of people; I have a decent behaviour, not flirty with guys, and I feel like I’m not crossing any boundaries or giving reason to worry that I’d act inappropriately when he is not around.

I’m not sure if he’s increasing his expectations because he sees me as “obedient” and thinks he can push for more, or if he would have been less demanding if I had set boundaries from the start. If that’s the case, can I still change things now and show him that I won’t tolerate any more demands?

• Is it normal for guys who want to settle down to have this kind of demands?
• How can I differentiate between reasonable relationship expectations and controlling behavior?
• How can I make it clear I’m open to reasonable requests but won’t tolerate controlling behavior?
• Have you complied with a partner’s demands to avoid fights, and did that improve the relationship or make it worse?
• How can I communicate that while I respect his boundaries, I need him to respect mine as well, without making it seem like I'm not committed to the relationship?

Any honest opinion would be really helpful! Thank you!

!!!Update after one month:

I want to thank everyone who responded to my original post. I was overwhelmed by the advice you all shared. Most of you suggested I leave the relationship because of his controlling and manipulative behavior.

I told him I wanted to break up because his constant demands were too much and that I wanted a relationship that could grow naturally. He said he understood and would be more relaxed, like I asked. But despite his promises, the old behaviors quickly returned. Every time I went phisically to work, he’d start questioning me—“Did you talk to that colleague? What about the other one?” or “Did any of your male colleagues come to your desk?”. This need of him to know every small detail of my daily life created a tension that affected me deeply, to the point where I started to fell anxious everytime I had to go at the office.

When I opened up about how this made me feel, I hoped for an honest conversation with him, something that showed he understood and wanted to work on whatever was causing him to need so much control and details. I was even willing to support him through it, even though I know that responsibility ultimately wasn’t mine. But instead of addressing this openly, he just kept calling me, asking what activities I wanted to do, while completely ignoring the deeper conversation I needed to have with him. This made me feel like my concerns weren’t important to him at all, so I refused meeting him.

After days of me being visibly upset, with all our interactions happening over phone calls and messages, he finally told me he believed that, as his girlfriend, I “should” answer any question he has.

While I get that offering clarity and and making compromises are part of any relationship, with him, I constantly felt that no matter how much I did, nothing would ever be enough. If I met one demand, another was always waiting, and he’d never seem genuinely satisfied or appreciative.

So, I broke up with him. It happened over the phone, which isn’t how I thought things would end. It’s disappointing because he has so many good qualities, but his need for control overshadows all of them. I’m okay now and I plan to continue going to therapy to understand myself better and make sure I never let this type of people enter into my life.

If he ever realizes what he’s lost, I hope he’s able to understand why and that he can work through the insecurities that drove him to act this way. Because love shouldn’t feel like being under a microscope—it should feel safe, supportive and free.