LPT: How to be there for a grieving friend/family member. Hint: It’s not about your words but your presence.
Grief is one of the most unbearable but necessary of the human emotions. It is often hard to know what to say or do to comfort someone you love who is grieving TLDR at end. Here is what you should do:
Call the person as soon as possible and acknowledge what’s happened (I’m sorry about your mom/dad/husband/etc.) and ask how they are doing. Then listen. Don’t attempt to rationalize it with phrases like, “at least they aren’t suffering.” If they don’t want to talk, just say you’re thinking about them and ask if there is a service you can attend.
If there is a service—GO. Tell them you are sorry about the death when you arrive. You don’t have to say anything else. Then take a seat or hang by the person and just BE THERE. They may cry and if they need a hug, give it. It is your presence that matters here. This is how you show that you care. There are no words to “fix” grief. They don’t exist. Show up to show you care. It will mean something to the person you love.
Do not ask “what can I do” to the person grieving. They are overwhelmed and unless you are an attorney, funeral director, or religious figure such as a priest or minister, there is little you can actually do except for be physically present for them. Except for one thing…
Don’t ask, just bring them food. Leave it at their door if they aren’t home. Maybe call ahead and say you are dropping a pan of lasagna or ziti. Don’t linger unless they want you to. Bring rolls and salad too. People in grief may not think to eat. You are helping them by giving them an option they don’t need to think about. They may also have family members over from out of town and extra food is always a blessing in these situations. Make it easy for them to feed themselves and others. The food should be comfort food (mac and cheese, ziti, etc.). Just drop and go.
Keep in touch after the funeral/memorial. This is super important, especially after the loss of a child, parent, or spouse. Check in on them. You don’t have to bring up the death. Just ask them how they are or see if you can hang out together for short stints (get coffee, etc.).
Grief changes over time and it’s important to support the person you care about. You do this by reaching out. Don’t be discouraged if the grieving person doesn’t respond right away. Grief can be all consuming. Sometimes it is healthy to let this happen; to ride it out so you experience it, process it, and find your own peace with the loss. Allow the person space but keep trying to reach out. This is how you show you care.
Edit: Please understand that grief is different for everyone and doesn’t follow a linear pattern. You don’t go from A to B to better. You may go from A to M to B, back to A. You may sit with A for years and never get to B. You may start at B. There is no right way to grieve. It is intensity, numbness, horror, and 1000 other emotions. There are also grief counselors for those who want to talked to a trained professional. In the US you can often talk to a grief therapist for free if you Google hospice and grief counseling plus the name of your city.
TLDR: I write this as someone who lost both their parents in an accident a few years ago, followed by my brother’s overdose less than a year later. Actions speak louder than words for the grieving. Show up, bring them food, and be there to listen.