I am scared of filing a rape complaint.

TW: Rape

It happened over a year ago and I thought I moved on with my life, I got therapy and stuff.

But recently I have started getting flashbacks and it is on my mind very frequently. I realised how my life has changed after that in how I cant socialise or trust people, how my confidence has gone down, and it is not something I can ever forget no matter how hard I try. My mental health got so bad that I tried offing myself multiple times, and ended up in the ICU twice.

I want him to be punished. I want him to pay for what he did.

But I also dont want to go through the trauma of having to corroborate what happened tp me again and again especially since the evidence is very weak, and it happened long back.

I was seeing him at the time, and he invited me to his place cuz I was having panic attacks (we bonded over prior mental health issues). We had had consensual sex before. But even before coming over I told him that I was not in the mood for any sex, I just wanted to feel safe and get some sleep - I used to feel safe with him.

But once I reached, he kept urging me, I got angry and he kept urging regardless. I agreed to only once, and my rule is no sex without a condom. He said he didnt have any, so I said that there was no way it was happening, and we could just cuddle.

Then he was on top of me, pinning me down, and he raped me. I kept telling him to get off, I dont wanna do this, I told you I dont wanna do this. He kept telling me its okay, calming me down. I just froze for a moment - idk how long, and I started at the wall on my left. he was over a foot taller than me, and well built. When I came back to my sense I used everything inside me to kick him off.

He said he was sorry and got lost in the moment and tried to hug me. I left his place immediate wearing my sleepwear, at 2am. i went to college the next morning and the next few months pretending like i was fine because i was scared and ashamed of opening up. the the ptsd hit and my academics took a hit and i kept spiralling.

It is a sad traumatizing thing that I have to live with until idk when. I have the courage to file a complaint now but I am scared of it, and also cuz there is no evidence of this. It would be a he-said, she-said scenario.

and i dont wanna go through the trauma of a trial becuase i wont be able to survive it if he does not get a conviction.

is there something i can legally do which saves me from the trauma? i am just very lost, and i know this is a weak case - i dont want him to live as if he did nothing wrong while i have nightmares and flashbacks every time that i close my eyes.

any advice is appreciated