The Daughter They Didn't Want

I'm a 19 year old. Since my 11th, I was diagnosed with a serious illness. I was coughing up blood and was on my deathbed for almost a year. I fully recovered in August 2024. I was saved from dying, only to be reminded daily by my family that they wish I hadn’t survived.

My Mother: My mother loves wearing the mask of the perfect wife and mother, carefully crafting her image for the world. It doesn’t matter how much it crushes her own family. Her hatred toward me runs so deep that I don’t know if I can even call it gender discrimination because my older sister is cherished like a princess while I’m treated as if I’m the family’s greatest mistake. Why? I don’t know.

She’d say things like, "Bhagwan kare tu banjh nikle" (God willing, you end up infertile), whore, "Bachpan mein hi zinda jala ke maar dena chahiye tha" (You should’ve been burned alive in childhood), "shaadi k baad aiso ko hi pati jala k maar dete h" (girls like you are burnt to death by their husbands after marriage) and many more vile comments which are normalized for me in this house.

Her violence is just as relentless. Belts, hangers, rods, PVC pipes, brooms anything within reach became a weapon. Once, I came 3rd in my class, and instead of being proud, she threw a carton full of cockroaches at me. When my father left for Chandigarh for a week, she locked the kitchen and let me starve. I was a child then, crying for food, and all she did was pretend she cared in front of others. She tells people she’s so weak, so selfless, the perfect mother. But behind the curtain, she tells me daily that I should’ve died when I had the chance. She’ll smile for the world, and behind closed doors, she carves wounds deeper than any disease ever could.

My Father: He’s the only one who asks if I’ve eaten, the only one who cares about the bruises on my body. But he refuses to see her for what she is. “Adjust,” he says. “She’s your mother. She can’t be wrong. Some people don’t even have mothers, and you do.” I love him. I love him so much it hurts, his inability to stand by me, his blind love for her hurts me. It feels like betrayal, though I know he means well. I love him so much, but his refusal to see what’s happening breaks my heart into pieces I can’t even count.

My younger brother: My younger brother, who’s in 11th, doesn’t respect me. He’s exactly like our mother. She’s shaped him to be her mirror image. He beats me, abuses me, and calls me a whore. He doesn’t even treat me like a human being. This Rakhi, I refused to tie him a rakhi, but my father forced me to. I can’t believe he’s my brother. I see other classmates’ brothers and wonder what it feels like to have a good relationship with a brother. Do they fight and then apologize? Do they care about their sisters? I’ll never know. I’m too unfortunate.

My Older Sister: She wasn’t just my sister, she was my first best friend. We’re almost two years apart, and despite the discrimination I faced, it never affected our bond. When my mom beat me, she was the first person I went to. I told her everything. About school, the hospital, my life. But everything changed when she moved to another state for studies a year ago. She cut all ties with me. When I messaged her, she left me on read. Every day, I felt abandoned. Now I have no one to talk to. This made me feel unworthy of love or time, and I broke ties with everyone, even the 2-3 school friends I used to talk to online.

I’ll start college next year because my mother refused to pay for any private college this year. I’ll appear for CUET next year. I begged to enroll in the CA Foundation course, and I’ll appear for the exam in January 2025. But the daily mental and physical abuse is testing me. This isn’t the life I imagined as a child. They made me hate my younger self, who was just a victim of a toxic family and environment.

I asked my father to let me study at a library, but my mother straight-up told me to rot at home. Today, my brother beat me again in front of them. My father lightly scolded him, and my mother took his side. I see no meaning in life. Don’t have kids if you’re going to treat them like this. I attempted suicide many times but failed miserably because I don’t want to die. I want to live a normal life like girls my age. dress up cutely, travel, go out with friends, and be loved by my parents. I want to have a Tom and Jerry relationship with my siblings. Maybe not this, but I hope in another life, I have a happy home with parents and siblings who love me.