My estranged Dad died yesterday and idk how to feel. I guess I just need to vent to people my own age who have no emotional attachment to me.

He was the root cause of my mom leaving us in our home country to come to the US. He was an alcoholic, a serial cheater and a financially irresponsible shitty person but I know when my mom left he stepped up. My memories of him at that time are good ones. I spent 3 years separated from my mom though and a traumatic separation at the border when I was 6. My brother (who’d crossed the border 2 years earlier) was lost for a nearly month and endured who knows what. He still won’t talk about it. Last time I counted my dad had about 13 children and he was equally a shitty dad to all of us save for the last son which he raised on his own when the mom abandoned him. I last saw him when I was 17. Over the years I had contact with him on & off. I’ve wanted to see him over the years. If nothing else just to see him one last time. My feelings for him have always been conflicted. Last night while eating out with my husband & kids my brother told me he had passed. Everyone at the table was looking at me like I should feel sad and wondering what to say to me when I started crying but the truth is idk why I was crying. Nostalgia? Guilt? Idk. When I spoke to my half sister & she told me about his funeral arrangements I immediately thought well I should find a flight but the truth is what’s the point of going now. I’ve had 30 plus years to go and I never did. I should have seen him when he was alive but I didn’t and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for not visiting him. And yet I know I have every right to not really give a fuck about him. Idk I’m a mess of feelings & regrets & guilt & resentment right now.