I think i need help

Like, i did so many blurtouts on this sub, at the point i feel im being a bit repetitive, but i just dont have anywhere else to go really. So, i want to talk about how i have constant toughts about my life being empty. To do a bit of a context, my parents divorced when i was very young, and my brain kinda erased some parts of this time of my life, so i dont even remember really how young i was, but i was something beetween 8 and 10 years old. After my parents started to not like eachother anymore, it seemed like everyone around me wanted me to take the impossible mission of putting my parents back together, because i was "the proof of their love" or something like that. I was a kid, so not knowing how to react properly to that situation i started being very easily upsetable and i had lots of problems on school because i let out my frustrations on people around me, and i feel miserable for that. No one had nothing to do with my family problems, but i just didnt knew what to do. Always when my parents where arguing, they would just mention me up just so they could put me in the middle of their fight to choose sides with one of them, and i remember just stucking myself on my room and watching youtube and playing games to ignore my parents. After some time, i kinda got used to it, and it didnt affected me that much. But then, when i was in the 7th grade, i discovered the single thing that would make me get where i am now. I was gay. I was teached my whole like being gay was wrong and ugly and absolutely not something for me to be. But i couldnt choose. I tried telling my father, and the answer was not good. "ITS OK, YOURE STILL YOUNG, WE CAN STILL PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER." I cant even describe how that made me feel, but i just acted like it was just a phase and i wasnt gay, just so i didnt made things worse. Since i was 13 i dont really have a family. I just live with 2 people at the same time, i got no support, and i got very few friends. I was always a church boy, and recently i had my investidure, so im oficcialy and acolyte now. I just want to stay the all day on the church, because there all my problems desappear. Also, i have this feeling always when i get to vacations, where i dont want to do anything. Its like if i dont have anything to make me stress and busy, i just dont work. I got an integral scholarship for one of the best schools in my city, but i just dont feel right. It seems like nothing i do actually makes my life better, since im always stagnated. I live in the same old house, with the same objects because my dad never bought new things since he divorced my moms. Im always stuck in the past, and i just want to get out of this. Living isnt as good as it would. And i think its all my fault.