I want to cut everyone off

I (20m) have been struggling with my mental health for a few years now, but it’s only in the last few weeks/months I have begun to realise it.

It’s also in this time that it has been getting worse. Part of it is my friendship insecurities. Everyone always seems to have time for their other friends besides from me. I’m always the one making the plans, reaching out - or even just checking in.

Recently I have just stopped doing that. I haven’t said a word, made any plans, and I have to some people just disappeared without hearing from them.

These friends and I have mutual friends who have arranged for us all to get together (the one time they have arranged something) but I really don’t want to go. I may have a good time, but I have a gut feeling that it will just be awkward and I will be forcing it.

Part of me feels that I’m too far gone and I don’t need anyone, and they don’t need me. Although I hate loneliness, I feel as if I’m going to have to get used to it sooner rather than later.

So yeah, I want to just cut them all off and just go on alone. What’s up with that?