For those worried about having a child because risk of ASD

Trigger warning: self harm

I hope people aren't offended by this post and I make my point properly. I (mid twenties, 26 weeks pregnant, boy, unexpected) have been absolutely terrified about the possibility of my son having ASD. The odds being 1 in 25 is something my anxious brain has been ruminating on for months at this point (not normally a super anxious person).

For context, two of husband's brothers both are on the spectrum, one is able to work full time and is doing well, the other will certainly need at least part time physical care and full financial care the rest of his life. Otherwise ASD does not seem to run in either family. My husband is also one of multiples (4+ at once), and the whole liter was delivered via emergency c section at 32 weeks and all under 2.5 pounds. It was honestly a miracle that my MIL was able to get pregnant through hormone therapy, and get the kids delivered alive. I and my husband and SIL are both NT.

Before we got married, I had a soul searching about if I'd be able to handle a similar child/situation. Came to the conclusion that hey, life does its best to suck sometimes but I cannot live my life without marrying this man. Have always considered kids to be a part of the picture someday, but this soon in our marriage was unexpected. When reality struck of hey, I have a 3-5 percent chance of having a child with ASD let alone other disability, I have been falling apart. Unable to focus at work, finding self destructive ways to cope without endangering my son (mostly through cutting to relieve stress), crying extremely frequently, worried that any and every substance both prenatal and after birth will increase chances.

Today I cut up 25 pieces of paper, marked one with an X, mixed them in a hat and kept drawing out and replacing (statistics) 2 pieces of paper for the 2 children we want to have in our life. Obviously I couldn't keep at it all day, but drawing multiple times up to 8 at once, still never drew the X.

Obviously this is a thought experiment. And does nothing to erase the real chances. But if anyone else is milling this over past the point of no return, and is just trying to deal with the uncertainty of life and parenthood, this is a concrete way to represent your fears. I'm going to try to take this as a way for me to calm tf down, and try to feel some joy throughout this pregnancy.

Now about my son inheriting my lifelong depression (very traumatic childhood at least partly to blame for that one), my husband and I are planning to send him to childhood therapy throughout his life as a preventative. That is well worth the expense to make sure he doesn't end up with my demons.