Finances? Regrets? Plans? Really need help… 18 F likely to be estranged after academic year and have 4 days before I need to finalise my decision

4 days to go… I should have done this sooner as I need to tell my parents my final decision at a joint therapy session my psychologist organised this coming Tuesday… I’ve been given the ultimatum that either I completely conform to their conservative and strict beliefs and pursue the rest of my life on their conditions only, or I’m getting kicked out and no contact after the end of this school year. To give some context, I’m in my final year of the IBDP (like A-Levels but for masochists ig) and have always had a difficult relationship with my parents. Absent cheating father who’s only perceivable emotion is anger and has a hobby of breaking stuff and on rare occasions gives out a blood filled mouth and a black eye bc he’s “the man of the house” and emotionally volatile mother with a victim complex who at some times I can almost talk to as a friend as she had me younger than she should have, but has never really been a mother to me understandably because of resent (her in laws gave her hell bc I was born a girl and ruined their bloodline of only men for 7 generations but that’s another story). Their culture is very different to mine, as I was born in the UK and currently go to an international school in France. They come from a super religious background that I just don’t fit with as I have a different interpretation, and have pretty sexist prudish beliefs. So needless to say, they lost their shit when I got caught talking to a guy…. The same guy… Thrice. Was it incredibly careless for me to do so again and again? Obviously, but I’ve always seen myself having a love marriage eventually and can’t stand the idea of having to spend the rest of my life with someone I don’t yet know or trust, especially seeing how horribly my parents arranged marriage went. And before anyone asks, they’re from a culture that looks down on divorced women and considers them run through and incapable of making the man stay, especially after children which she was pressured to have instantly our of fear of being labelled infertile — so no, she will not divorce him. As much as I pity and empathise with her, she unfortunately defends and supports these ideologies and tries to make me conform to them, which I am unwilling to do.

Anyways, most recent time I got caught with the guy was in November, and despite genuinely wanting a future with him, they think flirting with a white boy means I’m going to be a prostitute and bring shame to the family. Their reasoning: “White people are in one persons bed one night, then another tomorrow. Being with one you’ll just become exactly the same and I won’t be able to live anymore if someone asks me why my daughter’s body is on a nude magazine” (don’t ask). This was the last straw for them and myself, and they were like “why should we pay for the university of someone who just wants to betray us? If you’re that ‘desperate’ we can get you married, not everyone needs to go into education and career”. Keep in mind I’ve always been really passionate about my education since school was my safe space as a child, and they know how much I want to pursue a career. When I asked what if I can somehow pay for my own higher education and pursue my life as I want, their answer was that I would be forever estranged and dead to the family. Issue is I’m the oldest sister to 12 F and 6 F who both see me as their parental figure as I basically raised them more than their parents did, and I also almost have a maternal instinct to take care of them which is why it feels so wrong to think of leaving them behind. My father has been hitting people less and objects more, and my mother has started therapy so I know they’ll at least have a marginally better upbringing than I did, but marginally better isn’t as good as what they deserve and I’m scared I’m being selfish for wanting to escape.

Since November I’ve been preparing for this, researching into all of the support I can rely on and the options that I have. Thankfully I have some pretty incredible friends in my life, one whose parents tried to take me in at 16 when the police got involved because they were scared of what would happen to me in the care system and are potentially able to give me their home for a year so I can save up before going to uni, one other whose parents have also offered me their home, and one who has lots of professional connections and experience and is helping me with getting online qualifications and a job.

The plan: take a deferred year and save up some money working freelance web development while living with my friends. Then (hopefully) go to Bristol University where I know there is a lot of support for estranged students and those with health conditions and disabilities (endometriosis, extreme weakness and low weight, being prone to collapse, essential tremors, and also adhd and cptsd for contexts sake), and I already have a Student Finance account set up with my national insurance number as I still classify as a resident and will pay home fees bc EU agreement. I should be eligible for the tuition fee loan (£9250) and the maintenance fee loans (£10227) yearly, which will hopefully cover the important things like my uni and rent, and I’ll continue working freelance web dev as a side job while at uni so hopefully money from that will help me be able to afford a somewhat decent lifestyle. The course I’m applying to is Bsc International Business Management and I’m hoping to do a law conversion course after that and pursue Corporate/IP Law. I have the grades, I have the drive, I just don’t know if my plan would work out or not. I don’t have any alternative to this other than handing to reins of my life to my parents and going where and doing what and being with whom they want me to. And tbh I’m so exhausted of not being able to be myself and feel secure in my own house, and it’s only making my physical health and weight loss so much worse because of my mental health. Idk if I’m doing this correctly or if maybe I’m just being unreasonable and should just suck it up instead of running away. All I know is that if I ever have children (which I do kinda want, even though it’s hard with endo), I would never forgive myself if I couldn’t raise them away from this cycle of generational trauma.

(this has not much relevance but I find it so ironic that while writing this my father has “gracefully” thrown the coffee table across the living room downstairs breaking it, and shattered a bunch of glass decorations and my sisters lego set because there were 3 lego pieces that were on the carpet and that pissed him off :D I think he’s trying to help me with my answer, but god I hope losing one daughter teaches them to do better with their others… Or I swear the moment I can afford it I’m fighting for custody.)

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tldr; always had a crappy relationship with my parents, my education and future is now at risk, but I have child sisters I’m afraid to leave behind. I have a possible plan but am scared I haven’t considered something important, and they gave me the deadline of the 7th January to announce to them if I’ll go my own way after this academic year ends or if I’ll make it up to them, fix my beliefs to suit theirs and stay. I’m 98% sure leaving would be best for me but that 2% is terrified I’m doing something wrong.

I don’t know any people irl who have gone through anything similar so thought to come here, help..?