23 and Feeling Alone

I am. So done. I was seizure free for a year for the first time in my life but I'm too broke to learn how to drive not to mention with insurance trouble lately even the seizure freedom might not be consistent.

Then none of my friends understand shit of how this feels and the trauma that's just built over years and years of this. They just get uncomfortable when I even mention my life altering disability that sneaks its way in every part of my life. I'm not normally this negative but I'm just tired.

I can't even sing anymore when I sang for my entire life because I got a VNS that doesn't even help with all of the seizures. Then the meds just make my depression and exhaustion worse.

Then I look at social media and I wonder if maybe I'm just going insane because some of my seizure experiences aren't the same as the other people with epilepsy I meet so I wonder if I just made up experiences I had. I also have yet to meet another person with photosensitive Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy just AT ALL.

The support groups for epilepsy and experiences in my area just somehow make me feel even more alienated despite appreciating the company. Is photosensitive JME with hallucinations during post-ictals and NES that uncommon? I just want to talk to someone going through similar seizures, so I guess here is a good place...I have dealt with all of this since I was very young and I hate how it seems to be winning with everything I want to do.

I just want someone to tell me I'm not overreacting and it will be okay.

I keep trying to get through college with all of this but it feels impossible and all I want to do is be functional and NORMAL for my mom because she's all I have, but it keeps dragging me down and I'm so tired and I don't want this anymore. I can't seem to do school anymore but I can't handle work either and I don't want to let my mom down. I don't want to let anyone down but I feel so alone and so weak. It's been 23 years of fighting my brain trying to kill me on and off and I wish I knew what to do.