I'm very close to leaving Christianity.

I've been a Christian for many years now. Within the last 3 - 4 years I've become very serious about the faith and dived as deep as possible into it. I've studied the entire bible. I have dozens of notebooks filled to the brim with my own personal writings and many books I've collected from the Fathers of the faith. (Aquinas, Augustine, etc.)

I have a very good understanding of the faith and I've sought to find truth through the years. I've found God and I built a relationship with him.

I'm wanting to leave because of a problem that has plagued me for the last few years, which is sin. It's something that I can't overcome, yet I must work to eliminate from my life. I understand that I'm supposed to be forgiven, but logically I can't see how that can possibly work. The immense guilt that bears down on me is too much to bear, knowing that I deserve worse than death, yet, somehow I'm supposed to love and communicate with the judge and executioner.

Someone who knows all of what I've ever done, thought, and wished to do could never possibly love me. I'm at a strange point now, where even thinking of God brings me stress and no one could ever make me feel worse about myself. I should mention that my self-esteem is already very low. I don't think very highly of myself. I know that I'm not a good person, I know that I should be reminded of that daily but it's a painful feeling that I don't want to feel or think about anymore.

Honestly I'm tired. I know that I'll be in hell anyway, so why not explore other options and at least feel something other than guilt, stress, and despair before I die?

I post this so that if anyone has gone through something similar can maybe give some advice, if you're willing. Thanks.