Update: Fiancé's Parents Keep Dismissing My Choices for Our Wedding. AITA for Feeling Like I'm Not Good Enough.
This is the original post
I changed the post flair on the original post (it was Wedding Drama Llama) I added stuff not about the wedding so that's why.
UPDATE!
We got married in December. We had hymns. Everyone sang the one they knew, but no one knew the second one. I had a suspicion when I chose it that no one would sing it, but I wanted it anyway. I'm still glad I had it played because it means so much to me. His parents made me worry about the hymns the entire time, but I'm fine with how it turned out. I had made peace with the fact that, when I decided to have hymns, no one might sing at all, and I was okay with that. I was just worried the entire time about an "I told you so" from his parents. It wasn’t fun. People need to learn to mind their own business.
I don't remember what started it, but before we got married, we had another argument—probably about his parents, which are the only thing we argue about. Maybe I shouldn't bring up old stuff; maybe that does indeed make me the asshole. All I remember is that we started talking about the situation with the engagement ring again. What drove me crazy was that he said something along the lines of not wanting to call me or his mother a liar because he didn't want to choose between two people who both loved him. I was so upset that he was fence-sitting and didn’t believe me, even after all that time. Maybe that makes me the asshole again because I want him to take my side. I really just want him to believe me when I’m speaking the truth. To me, it’s about trust. We worked it out, but that was a big issue for me.
Whenever his parents have caused a problem, my now-husband gets upset when I bring up all the past things they’ve done because he doesn’t see a pattern. The only reason I bring it up is that I want him to put his foot down once and for all and notice the pattern. He hasn’t yet.
The morning after the wedding, he brought up another criticism his mother had of me. She didn’t like what I said when they asked how my dad was doing. It wasn’t disrespectful; it was just the truth about my dad. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but it’s not derogatory in my family—it’s just a description and an accurate one at that. I would never talk crap about my dad. I love him; he’s one of my favorite people. My husband said that if I say it again, his mother said she is going to confront or correct me about it. That tells me that, when they ask how my dad is doing, they genuinely don’t care—they’re just saying the things they feel obligated to in normal conversation.
It’s rules for thee and not for me, though. From the first day I met them, they’ve non-stop trashed and talked badly about their daughter, even when I didn’t ask about her. They would just go on tirades about her, airing all her business, and they were angry as they spoke. Hate-filled is the vibe I got. They even did this in front of their grandson (their daughter’s son), who they have custody of. He is little, but that shouldn’t matter.
I guess next time they ask about my dad, I can either just say what they obviously want me to say—“He’s fine” (which isn’t true, and I’m worried)—or say what they don’t like and let her go off. Then, I’ll tell her how I feel about them talking about their own child.
Anyway, I was upset about my husband bringing up his mother’s criticism the morning after the wedding. We couldn’t even be married for a full 24 hours without me hearing about how his mom had yet another problem with me. He did apologize, but it just shows that I can’t say the right things to satisfy them. And he wonders why I’m so nervous and uncomfortable around them.
I also didn’t appreciate this conversation about my dad because, right after the ceremony, my dad had to leave since his pants ripped. I didn’t get any staged photos with him or time with him at the reception, and that was devastating.
Months before the wedding my dad had a serious medical issue and almost died, so I traveled to my hometown to see him. After only a few days, he was barely out of the hospital at that time (maybe still in). His parents texted me and asked me when I would be coming back. I was not happy with this and texted my SO to ask him why his parents would be asking me this. He was not happy when I told him this. He said that he had just been messaging them before they messaged me. They had ask him when I would be back and he told them “I don’t know and I am not going to ask her so that she doesn’t feel pressured.” He did say after he told them they shouldn’t have messaged me that. I did feel pressured by them. I guess that's what they wanted because no one can be that stupid.
Oddly enough, his grandma has been friendlier and more welcoming to me than her own daughter. His grandmother calls me on the phone every once in a while to talk, and we usually talk a lot. His mother never does. He has basically told me that it’s up to me to extend the olive branch and call his mother.
- I think, typically, the parents or in-laws should do that.
- Really? After everything, I’m supposed to be the one to do it? Seriously?
His parents often won’t come out and say what they want, whether it’s good or bad. Instead, they just text something ominous, like, “We need to have a talk…” Then, when asked multiple times what it’s about, they refuse to say. I don’t like that.
Once, after waiting all day to find out what they wanted to talk about, I got emotional. His mother was rude and exclaimed, “OH MY GOD,” rolling her eyes at me. I just don’t see the need to play games. Just say it. If it’s not something super heavy (and maybe even if it is), just spit it out. I don’t want to sit around all day wondering if they have a problem with something.
His dad even did this just to have lunch one day. It’s weird. I told my husband to put his foot down about this stuff, but he just shrugged me off, saying, “That’s just how they are.”
Their dog has bitten me more than once and has lunged at me several times. Whenever I played with my now-nephew at their house, that dog would follow him around constantly.
The first time the dog bit me, I was holding my nephew, playing with him in the middle of the living room. They were all in the room as well. It bit me on the leg, and I felt pain and let out a scream, not knowing at first exactly what happened. The dog has dirty teeth and doesn’t have its shots. It has bitten several people, including kids. Whenever I act nervous around that dog, his mother looks at me like I’m crazy and tells me the dog won’t bite me. She acts like I’m being ridiculous. But it has bitten me—and others—before. Why wouldn’t it bite me now?
Months ago, when we didn’t have a dining table or coffee table, I would continually tell him to invite his parents over so I could try to have a good relationship with them. He continually made the excuse that we didn’t have a dining room table. We have not once eaten at a table when we visit his parents' house, so this seemed illogical to me. Then he also used the excuse that his parents had told him they didn’t feel welcome here. They did have a problem a few months after we moved in, saying they never see him/us, despite the fact I have told him to invite them over several times. My husband has to work a lot; of course, you aren’t seeing him that much anymore—he doesn’t live with you. I wasn’t too happy about them guilt-tripping him about this since, since I moved in with him, I rarely get to see my parents. My parents aren’t guilt-tripping me about not seeing them. My parents would come up sometimes when they could, and guess what? They were fine eating without a coffee table or dining table. They made it work. I guess it’s good enough for my parents but not his.
I was also a little upset one time when his parents came over. Instead of ordering something or me making something, the three of them went out to lunch. At the time, I could not physically leave the house. That one I probably shouldn’t have a problem with, but they make a big deal about not seeing me often either. So why not sacrifice and sit on the couch and eat like you do already at home to spend time with me?
On a positive note, I suppose they wanted to help get and pay for some wedding stuff. It was last minute, and again, I wasn’t involved in the conversation because after the hymn blow-up, they stopped group messaging me about our wedding. So once again, after he came back from his parent's house, he said they wanted to buy the tableware and drinks. I already had everything picked out and ready to order. I was torn between letting them handle it or handling it myself and making sure it was what I wanted and needed, especially when they wouldn’t communicate with me, and it had to all go through their son. I also felt guilty about not letting them do it so I could save us money.
Turns out, they weren’t willing to do everything. Something along the lines of, they will get plates and stuff, but we have to get utensils. That’s just not practical in my opinion because I just thought it would be easier to do it all together and have everything in the same location. Also, there would be no room for error if either they or I got everything. There wouldn’t be a mistake of one of us assuming the other got something that we didn’t. Also, they were not willing to get the drinks that I wanted to have at the wedding. My husband said this was because they wouldn’t be able to get the right thing. All I wanted was tea and lemonade for the kids and for my family. I had also said multiple times that I would rather not have alcohol because a few of my relatives who planned to attend are alcoholics, and I was worried for them and others. They made a big stink about having alcohol, so we did have it. It turned out fine because none of those people showed up in the end.
Well, anyway, I told my husband that I would rather get the tableware if they were not going to get all of it. He wanted us to let them help if that's what they wanted. I let him handle it, and they got all the tableware. They ended up forgetting some of it at home, though, so I’m assuming one of my cousins who was helping to set up (love them) had to get them? I’m not sure. That was exactly why I told my husband I wanted to handle it so that I got the things we wanted and needed and that I made sure it was where it needed to be.
Also, a week before the wedding, his mother was making a big deal about ice. She was insisting that I tell the reception venue to provide me with ice and that I need to pay whatever fee they ask. When I first booked my reception venue, they explained that they wouldn’t provide anything extra that was not already listed and included. All we were getting was the venue, tables, tablecloths, chairs, and chafing dishes—the basics. Which was all fine with me. They set everything up for you, give you a door code, and leave you be. Works for me! I was not going to bother them with this or ask them for something extra when they made their policy clear in conversation and in the contract. I had made it clear to her they did not and would not provide it but she continually insisted that I pay them to do it.
I was already swamped with last-minute wedding things, and I did not need to beg the venue to give me ice. I had also told his mother before she told me to get ice from the venue that the reception venue is in kind of a strip mall, and at the opposite end of that tiny strip mall, there was a convenience store that would be open and had ice. I said this more than once and explained whoever in my family I could ask to kindly help out and get ice would have no problem walking less than 30 seconds over to the convenience store in the same strip mall/parking lot. Nope! She insisted I badger my venue to give me ice. Even if I had and the venue was willing, I’m sure the fee would be more than I’d be willing to pay for ice, especially when it can be obtained in 2 minutes very easily.
During this conversation, I also mentioned that I probably wasn’t going to have centerpieces and that doesn’t bother me. (If I wanted to have centerpieces, they would be blue since my wedding theme was blue floral, and I would have wanted faux flowers.) A few days before the wedding, my maid of honor and I happened to be at a craft store picking up some other wedding things, and she did ask me if I was sure about not having centerpieces, we could pick up some things at that store and make them. I said I was fine without them—the wedding venue is elaborate, and we can make the reception simple. I guess his mom was trying to be sweet because she got some wedding reception centerpieces for us. They were red roses, not fake, and some boutonnieres, etc., for the ones who didn’t have them. Maybe I’m naïve because I really don’t think this was malicious, but my friends have pointed out things that make them think she was being a jerk. Their points are that she knew my theme was blue floral, and she got red anyway, especially when she had not liked the idea of me getting blue flowers for bouquets in the first place. She knew that I was getting fake flowers for bouquets and boutonnieres, and she didn’t like that either. So she got real flowers that were red to spite me. I honestly feel bad that she spent her money on real flowers that I didn’t need, and they trashed them shortly after. Either way, if she had good intentions or not, at least the centerpieces didn’t clash too much since I had a red velvet semi-naked cake, a red anime-themed cookie cake as a surprise for my husband, and an anime red-themed guest book. She didn’t know any of that though.
His mother does his taxes every year because she used to be an accountant, according to them. (She worked under an accountant; she was never an accountant.) Well, he asked me the other day if I want to file jointly or separately. I think the best benefit would be to file jointly, but my income is none of his mommy’s business. So if he insists she does his, I will be doing my own. Also, and I know a lot of people will disagree with me here, but I think finances are easier to manage from the same account. I told my husband that I’m too prideful and I have some debt to pay down from wedding expenses; I don’t want to share an account until I do that, but I want to share an account. He would be fine with sharing an account now, though. Maybe I should insist that we at least get a shared account now because I know for a fact his mommy still has access to his, so that’s too much in our business for me. It weirded me out when we started dating. Whether we do or do not share accounts now, or if we ever do, I just don’t like his mommy being able to see his expenses/our expenses if you want to call it that. I probably should just tell him to get his own account because I think the only way she has access to it is if she's also an account owner. (Yes I know that he could just give her the login but I think it's more than that). Yeah, mom has access to his bank but his wife doesn’t that's weird. I'm a little to harsh on this one (because I'm livid about everything else), but he is fine with sharing a bank account at any time.
He has told me before that when he was a kid, his goal with everything he did was to make them happy. He also said that his sister would get chance after chance, be coddled, and get whatever she wanted, and he wouldn't get the same treatment. He says this in a matter-of-fact way: it is what it is. Is he suppressing his feelings, or does he really just think nothing of this? I’m suspicious that they are involved in his life so much and in our business because they can’t do the same with their daughter, who is an ex-drug addict and dealer. Maybe I’m wrong.
There’s a lot more significant and insignificant things that I could say about what goes on, but I feel like if I say more specific/identifying things, someone would be able to pinpoint who wrote it, and I do not need it getting back to his parents. Maybe I’ll get mad one day and air all my dirty laundry out for the entertainment of strangers on the internet.
At this point, and this is me being an asshole, but you know when someone has pissed you off and screwed you over so many times that even the slightest misstep on their part makes you angry? That’s where I’m at now. Trying not to be. I’m really trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, but after all this, I really don’t want to, and I don’t trust them.
They make me feel ashamed, embarrassed, anxious, self-conscious, and not good enough. They stress me out and make me mad. I'm worried about this stuff happening when we have kids. I'm different than them, our family will be different. They need to stop trying to dictate and let us be because nothing we do causes problems for us.
Thank you so much Charlotte (and Mike) you have given us all so many hours of laughs and joy!
Thanks, community!