My experience with MDMA therapy for CPTSD.
TW: Childhood trauma. (Physical & emotional)
I wrote about my first experience here 6 months ago. That is when I had my first session with my trauma therapist. Now I have done 3.
I was really traumatized when I first started. I was abused my dad. Neglected by my mom. I was bullied by my class for 1 year when I was 14 to 15. Lost all of my friends at that time. My life spiralled downwards when I was 16. Started dissociating when I was 17 to 22. I felt like a husk of a person, grey, dissociated.
Now. To the MDMA therapy. I had been seeing her for 1 year with little sucves. I was dissociated and I was afraid to connect with my emotions. Every time a tiny shimmer of a emotion bubbled up I would deny or deflect. I was a semi difficult patient because I wasn't connected and was afraid to be connected.
How are you going to heal if you cant connect with yourself and feel your emotions? My therapist decided to ask me if I wanted to give MDMA therapy a try. I had heard about it before from the MAPS study. I was also familiar with trying it recreationally myself as a teenager, so I agreed. I thought it would be "fun" or "easy", because I was on drugs. That's how I remembered MDMA when I had used it in parties when I was a teenager. So I thought it would be a smooth sailing. It wasnt. But it was sooo worth it in the end.
**1 session** - The first session I ingested the MDMA and after about an hour I felt my defenses melt away. I realized there that I was in a safe environment and that my therapist was safe and a good person and was there to help me, not hurt me. She asked me if there was a part of me that wanted to come out and there were 3 - the 17 year old me, 14 year old and 5 year old.
The 14 year old was scared, alone and sad. She felt like the world wasn't safe anymore. That she had no one left. I saw her standing in a blacked out room, alone. She looked at me, and saw that I and her were in safe environment. She looked at my therapist, then me and decided to trust me, that it was safe to integrate. To let me feel how she was feeling. When that happened, I felt all of her emotions at that time. I kept saying aloud everything she was feeling "She is soo scared. She feels like the world isn't safe anymore and that she has no one left. She has no support." I was rocking myself back and forth, stroking my arms to self-soothe and shaking my head in disbelief. I was with her for 30 minutes.
Then the 17 year old came out. She was completely dissociated and disconnected. The pain was too much here to feel it. There if I looked in the mirror, I had no idea who I was looking at. Even though she had no idea what was going on, she knew that this was good and that I was helping her. She was terrified of everything and didn't want anyone to look at her. I was so glad that even though she was disconnected she trusted me. I didn't feel many emotions with her, and that's okay.
The 5 year old had a lot of love to give to her parents, siblings and the world. She just wanted to love others and to be loved. But her parents were both depressed and insecure individuals. They kept disappointing her. She also realized she wasn't safe. Her dad was abusive physically and emotionally. He shouted at her and spanked her for things she didn't even know were wrong. She was conflicted. I sat with her and started clapping my hands like a 5 year old when processing her. I kept asking my therapist "Why am I clapping my hands like a kid?" She said "She wants to come out and express herself".
Aftermath: I felt much more connected and integrated after this session. I felt incredible healing from this and it truly was groundbreaking for me. I had lost my connection to myself for years, and finally connecting again felt peaceful. I cried a lot for 2 weeks after.
**2 session** - Here I went into generational trauma. I saw the trauma on my dad's side. My dad endured a lot of trauma as a child. I saw him as a child, he didn't understand other people and was very anxious and confused. He didn't know what to do with himself. I could feel how he was feeling. It was a LOT of anxiety and scared. My legs/feet were shaking like crazy when processing this.
I also felt all of the crazy making, dark and heavy energy on his side. There is a lot of alcoholism, drug use and bipolar disorder on his side. The energy that came from his side was really, really heavy. When I was processing this the room felt heavy and dark. My therapist felt it too and said "Wow, this is very heavy." and had to put her head down for a moment. I said "You feel it too?", she said "Yes.". I processed this for 30 minutes and was rocking back and forth to deal with it. When I was processing this, I suddenly felt the heaviness lift off of me gently. Then it all lifted off of me in an instant. It was like it was stored in my spine and shoulders. I felt lighter and lighter until I felt like I could sit upright after processing this. It was like it had to be noticed and processed fot some time, before being able to let go of me. I could see here with this energy, why my grandma and her brother became alcoholics in their youth and then bipolar. The dark energy on their side is very strong. It was wild. I know this energy thing sounds a bit woo-woo, but it's real. Generational trauma really does have an impact on you and needs to be processed.
Long-term result: What this has done for me is completely change me. MDMA therapy is not easy. In my first session when all of the feelings came up, I kept saying "This is not mine. These are not my feelings.", I couldn't believe these feelings were lingering in my subconscious. I almost walked out at first because I was not expecting this much emotion and memories, I was used to being dissociated. (I'm SO glad I didn't.) I What accompanies these sessions are difficult emotions and a LOT of processing and healing. I have integrated SO much after all of this that I can honestly say I'm a new person. I'm grounded in my body now, I feel all of my feelings, I'm connected to myself. I can deal with hard emotions and I know who I am. It's hard to explain, but I feel like a normal person again.