Triggered by my partner smoking…

I have an insane amount of feelings that crop up and absolutely take control over me when my partner smokes weed. It used to not bother me but it’s become more habitual lately. Part of it is that when we met he was very into and proud of quitting and adamant about how smoking was bad for him. I used to smoke a lot as well but stopped years ago. I will very rarely take a small hit of a friends joint but thats it and to be honest it’s 50/50 chance it doesn’t go well and isn’t worth it. It would either be fun OR it would send me straight into a full blown panic attack and I’d have to lock myself in a bathroom/shower for an hour or two to break out of it. I think because the feeling and the smell reminds me of the past when I wasn’t doing as well, hence why I was smoking so much to cope with things. Also a fair amount of my previous partners were addicts during those times… I think since I’ve developed a strong association between weed and things not going well it really sends me over the edge now when my partner smokes. I really don’t want to be in a situation or feeling even slightly related to the past. Like, partners lying to me about their drug use, my father being a functional alcoholic but in denial of it, judging me for smoking but then turning around and asking me to roll his joints, stupid shit I just would really rather not be reminded of because it’s so behind me. A big part of me is like oh it’s no big deal, I try to remember all of the stuff it reminds me of isn’t relevant to now and doesn’t apply. I try self soothing. I’ve tried explaining to him why it upsets me so much but that doesn’t end well. He seems conflicted about whether he wants to quit or not. Which is also super triggering to be honest, like, I know people are allowed to change their minds and maybe he’s just not ready yet and that’s his own problem… but like make up your freakin mind already, like, we’re in our late 20s, and on top of that I’m pregnant. He doesn’t smoke in the house or near me of course, but it’s also just unfair because I don’t even have any vices. Like, yeah, it would be nice to have a drink every now and then, it would have been nice to not have to quit nicotine. It would be nice if I didn’t have to stop taking my medications for my anxiety, depression and adhd. Like… would be nice to keep some of those easier coping mechanisms in place but I care about myself and our baby. So like, it’s also feels hella lonely and like why am I the only one that has had to give all of that up, especially when sometimes I feel like I need it more than him, with all these crazy hormones and having to ween off all these things that were helping me before I even got pregnant. Now, if I wasn’t pregnant, would I not mind as much? Maybe, because I can’t lie I would go through some times where I might have been drinking a bit too much, and my friends I don’t mind if they smoke or drink or do whatever. So why am I SO bothered and enraged when my partner smokes??? Like, that almost enrages me even more. The fact that it even bothers me period, is just so inconvenient. Like, I would truly rather not give a shit about it. But I just can’t shake it off and I think the resentment is building because I keep bringing it up and causing an argument, which, might be just making him smoke more because it probably just stresses him out. And like, part of me would probably care less if he was drinking instead. He stopped drinking when I did when we realized I couldn’t anymore because of the pregnancy. But I don’t know… my mind just spins and goes into this kind of overthinking anxiety and worrying and frustration when he comes back from walking the dog and I know that he smoked. Even though he does super well trying to make it less annoying to me, like making sure he’s not going to make the place smell like weed and brushes his teeth washes his hands etc etc, I still can’t stand it anymore. I mean, is it the fact that it’s more often? Is it that it’s not predictable? Sometimes it just feels disrespectful, because it feels like he tries to hide it, or it feels like he is lying to me that it’s not a problem, or lying to me about how he could quit anytime, and I start getting in my head thinking how is he going to help me raise this child if he turns into a stoner and is high all the time, and what if this is his only outlet to deal with his stress which is just a whole other issue that concerns me because I’ve done so much freaking work on finding alternative coping mechanisms and strategies especially because I’m pregnant and unmedicated now and I’m also planning on doing the birth unmedicated and doing those hypnosis classes for a more natural pain management and then I just start thinking about how freaking unfair it is to be a woman and why cant men do this creating life shit and well it’s pretty crazy women can even do this with their bodies and I just get even more upset that he smokes and to be honest this kind of thinking will go on for hours and things just add and add to it. I tried taking a shower to relax but it was only a temporary distraction and I just want to rip his face off still. And this sucks because we actually had a really great day and he is a really great partner but gosh does this one thing really ruin everything in just a matter of minutes. Why am I like this?