Has anyone successfully forgiven themselves for the things mental illness made them do?

I've convinced myself over and over again in my 20s that I was dying and didn't have long to live. So I'd do shit like it was my last day on earth. A lot of times I'd inadvertently rub people the wrong way. And all the time I've made a fool out of myself to all the people who had no idea that I was neurodivergent- i didn't even know myself.

I've lost all of my friends. Every last one. Don't feel comfortable talking to my family. So I've gone months without human interaction or conversation and every moment of every day I spend now hating myself. I replay memories of things I've done and said for the past 10 years, alot in my early 20s and some as recently as last week. But I can feel my blood boiling. I want someone to beat the shit out of me for being so stupid, desperate, making people uncomfortable. I tell myself every day I deserve nothing but to rot.

I've watched videos on self forgiveness, but I don't feel it's possible when I've torched my reputation publicly. People used to like me. Even if I love myself I don't feel it's stronger than all the people who think "damn I'm glad I never have to talk to that kid again".

I've been on meds, off, with 5 different therapists, lived in different states. The results have been the same every time: me making a fool out of myself. Why would I forgive myself? What does this mean for the rest of my life? Do I belong in a mental institution? Because this real world doesn't feel like one i belong in