2 months NC

I'm writing this post just to vent out. After not communicating with him for more than 2 months I'm realizing it was really a toxic relationship.. full of gaslighting, stonewalling, blaming, mental abuse. I remember the first time I had panic attacks was when he shouted on me to move on. How he can't commit to me and why i don't understand. Similarly he would always tell me to move on but then call me saying he's checking on me or why can't we be friends as such we have a history.. but actually he was not letting me heal. He was poking on my wounds and I used to feel so drained out after our conversation. After months of therapy when i blocked him from everywhere for my own peace.. he still managed to reach out just to say that he can see I blocked him..he's sorry.. he's depressed and suicidal and he's freeing me..more like a good bye.. but in reality it was manipulative messages to say how could I leave him.. again putting all blame on me. a sane person would asked for another chance and ask for forgiveness.. but it was far from that.. just to halt my healing.. I'm not there yet, it still hurts but i have started seeing the relationship as how it was.. it had become so toxic over the time. I was the one who was just giving and giving.. until i couldn't.. no contact works.. hang in there fellas!