Breastfeeding grosses me out

To be clear, other people breastfeeding does not gross me out. People should be able to breastfeed whenever and wherever they want for however long they want. No judgement from me. The idea of me breastfeeding grosses me out, especially when thinking about an older baby or toddler groping me and pulling at my shirt or chest to get “milkies” or “boobies” as I’ve seen breastfed children often request for it. I know it’s the most natural thing in the world and I wish it didn’t bother me but it just gives me the ick. And no, it’s not because I’m sexualizing breasts, I know it’s just babies eating.

I can’t breastfeed right now because of medications I’m on, but even if I wasn’t on them I wouldn’t want to breastfeed. I don’t know if it’s the lack of bodily autonomy or how it affects mental health or what. But I feel a little guilty feeling this way and like I “should” want to do it for my baby’s benefit. If I wanted to I could maybe switch to breastfeeding safe medications (it just might fuck with my disorder), but I just can’t get over my aversion to breastfeeding. Please tell me I’m not alone or broken and that others feel the same way.