Rules

I am a late self-diagnosed (40) I see a therapist who is diagnosed ASD and who has no doubt I am on the spectrum. My comment today is about rules and black and white thinking. It’s what I am trying to challenge myself on and wondering if anyone can relate. All my life I’ve had a long list of rules to follow and if anyone crossed those I’d lose respect for them and feel real visceral pain. That feeling that once again I was completely alone in the world. My main hang ups have been in no particular order: swearing, smoking, drug use, road rules, tardiness, alcohol and gambling. My guess is as I had so much trouble understanding how to navigate the world hard and fast, black and white rules have helped me feel safe and regulate. Yet I realise now how limiting they have been. My therapist has said this is not uncommon for those on the spectrum and has encouraged me to challenge some of these hard rules I have imposed on myself. So that is what I have done. In the last week I have attempted swearing, tardiness, alcohol and jay-walking all in front of people. It may sound trivial but it was incredibly difficult to muster the courage, but I must say at this stage I feel so much lighter. I feel as if for the first time in as long as I can remember my mind is clear and not fuzzy and cluttered. I’m interested to hear from anyone this resonates with.