Moms with AuDHD: How was your experience with giving birth and raising a child?
I’m a woman in my late 20s, and I’m terrified of being a bad parent. I worry about regretting the decision, overthinking the experience of childbirth, and carrying permanent emotional scars. My partner and I have been together for five years. We adopted a puppy 2.5 years into our relationship, and we’ve recently started planning to have kids. He would love to have at least one child, but I’ve been spiraling about the idea lately.
I have a few health issues that make staying pregnant difficult. I’ll need to undergo a couple of tests, possibly start hormone therapy, and likely try IVF later this year. To be honest, if my partner weren’t in the picture, I wouldn’t be pursuing this path at all. I have ADHD (inherited from my father) and autism (from my mother). My childhood was tough because of these challenges. I was an excellent student, got into university with a scholarship, and have a high IQ. I never had to study too hard—school was easy for me academically—but the emotional damage I carry from being bullied, even by teachers, is overwhelming.
My parents weren’t exactly suited to parenting. My ADHD father was impulsive, aggressive, emotionally unstable, and became an alcoholic when I was a young child. My mom was hyper-focused on me until my little brother was born when I was seven. After that, she shifted all her attention to him. I think their lack of focus on me is why I was only diagnosed as an adult. Since kindergarten, I had been telling my parents about my struggles with focus, how I spaced out during conversations, and how I couldn’t form relationships with other kids. Nobody wanted to sit with me because I talked too much, fidgeted constantly, and was considered a “weird nerd.” Teachers called me a “daydreamer” because I spent more time staring out the window than paying attention in class. I carried a water bottle obsessively (and still do) and have always struggled to feel empathy unless I’ve experienced something similar myself. Even then, it feels less like empathy and more like remembering how I felt in a similar situation.
Since I was a child, I’ve told my parents I feel like an alien observing human reactions and facial expressions, trying to imitate them because I don’t instinctively understand how emotions align with expressions. My maternal grandmother is the same way—she’s almost 80 now and has never had real friends. She was a neglectful mother, and my mom barely talks to her. I’m scared I’ll end up like her.
On the other hand, our dog has canine ADHD, and we have an amazing bond. He’s the funniest puppy, and we spend hours running around the house being goofy together. He’s challenging, highly intelligent, extremely reactive, and requires a lot of patience and training, but I miraculously have that with him. I love him more than life itself, and I’m confident I’m an excellent dog mom. My priority is keeping him happy and healthy, which I’ve been doing well. However, I’ve always bonded easily with animals—I'm also vegetarian (trying to eat vegan whenever | can) and I'm an environmentalist - it’s humans I struggle with. If I have a biological child, they’ll be human, and I’m scared I won’t be able to connect with them, handle minor obstacles without falling apart, or cope with overstimulation. I’m afraid of becoming a combination of my parents.
I’ve had two miscarriages so far. They were both very early, and while I know I was supposed to feel something, I didn’t. To me, they were just fetuses, and miscarriages are very common these days. I only felt inconvenienced because it was physically painful. Sometimes I wonder if my body is telling me I shouldn’t become a parent, but maybe I’m just overthinking. After all, I’m selfless, loving, and caring with my dog—maybe it would be the same with my child. Then again, my maternal grandmother has always been a great dog mom too.
My partner, on the other hand, is going to be an incredible father. He’s kind, loving, and supportive, and I can’t imagine a better parent. Financially, we’re in a good place, so our child would have access to private education, beautiful vacations, and a safe, loving home at least from their father's side. But if I can’t emotionally be there for them, none of that will matter. I’d be their mother, and that’s an important role. I don’t know if I’m ready to be needed 24/7.
I did’t want children when I was younger—since I was 14 or 15, I thought parenting wasn’t for me. I only started considering it in the past 2–3 years because of my partner and the loving home we’ve built together. That gives me hope that I could be a good mom.
Sorry for the long post—I hope I’ve explained my situation well. My question is for moms who had similar concerns and feelings before having their child. How are you coping now? Do you feel overwhelmed, or is it manageable with a supportive partner? How was the birth experience if you’re an overthinker? How did you adjust to such a big life change, and how do you cope with change in general?
Thank you in advance for any advice or insights!